Movin' Out

Hey! I moved! It's a work in progress, but I've made the switch to Typepad. Come visit me at my new site (http://tshapedgirl.typepad.com/are_we_there_yet/). See you over there. T-shaped Girl

How About Some Good News?

Sometimes I feel a little nervous acknowledging the good times at the T household. I feel as if I'm tempting fate. I think I'm going to go ahead an tempt fate anyway, and share a little of our good news*. Apparently good things do come in threes: 1. MT received a well-deserved promotion at work. He is now in a new role and very, very busy. I think his new title is "muckity-muck." MT is very modest and would never admit it, but this is a nice big step up for him. And his job responsibilities changed, which is a welcome refresher for him. I'm really proud of him (despite feeling a little odd as "the woman behind the man. Oh well, he can bring home the bacon and I'll fry it up for him...) He seems to be excited about work again, and his energy is contagious. 2. MT was accepted into a top business school program. Again- yay MT! He's excited about going back to school, and I think this program is really going to energize him. And selfishly, they have a program in China...so perhaps a trip to China will be in order? With LT and I as stowaways? He's 95% sure that he's going to go ahead and enroll in the program, but we'll decide in the next couple of weeks. And last, but most definitely NOT least... 3. We received our I-171H in the mail yesterday. I was expecting my fingerprints to be rejected again, so it was a BIG surprise to receive the I-171H and not a rejection notice. I'm *really* trying not to get too excited about adoption #2, because I feel like it's so uncertain, and so far off, but I need to take a moment here to jump up and down with glee! I do want to adopt again, and I really want LT to be a big sister. Deep down, I want this to work out soooo much. Eh, well, looks like I'll have about two years to haunt the rumor boards and email groups in the meantime. Our dossier is now officially complete and we will be DTC in December. We can't send the paperwork off any sooner because of the one-year waiting period (CCAA rule). So there you have it - some good news. It feels nice to be happy. I think I'd like to savor this feeling a little longer. We're going out to dinner tonight to celebrate - we'll be the smiling family at the corner table of your local Mexican restaurant. Cheers! *Just in case though, can you knock on wood after you read this, please?

Life of a Playgroup Mom

In my well-intentioned efforts to socialize my daughter we have joined a playgroup or two. LT and I belong to Playgroup #1 that includes some very dear friends- and this group is a wonderful source of support for me. We were recently asked to attend Playgroup #2 which includes moms and babes who I don't know very well (yes- I was "picked up on the mom-circuit! Woo-hoo me!). Most of the moms in this group met via some mommy and me type classes. This group is so very close to home and the experience with Playgroup #1 is so positive that I figured we'd give it a try. At the first couple of playgroups I felt like LT and I were a novelty to the other moms. They asked a lot of questions about her adoption, but most of the questions were pretty benign, so it was okay. I talked about how long she has been home, how amazing our trip to China was, what a great, sparkling, beautiful, smart child she is, blah, blah, blah, change the subject. At the third playgroup one of the moms started to ask specific questions about LT. In particular she asked what we knew about her life before we "got her." She wanted to know the sensational details of her past - about her birthparents, abandonment, how old she was when she entered the orphanage. She was stumbling around the words as she asked her questions though. I knew what she was trying to ask me, but of course wasn't going to help her ask questions about the private details of LT's life. Because, well, it's none of her damn business. When the mom finally stopped bumbling around and asked her questions, I didn't immediately answer. I smiled. And then I replied, "unfortunately there is no birthparent information available for children adopted from China. But, yes, we do know some things about her life before we met her. And what we do know we'd like to first share with LT - since it is her life and her story." And then I smiled again. And there was an awkward pause. It was a fabulous awkward pause though, because I felt like I had put the awkwardness back on her. After all, she was the one asking the (inappropriate) questions. I was polite, but I clearly got my message across. And most importantly, I was able to protect LT. Since I am apparently a glutton for punishment, I attended yet another session of Playgroup #2 yesterday. This same mom hosted the group at her house, and she was telling another mom about some of the toys she had just purchased from a new web site. The toys were popular with the kiddos, so I asked her the name of the web site again. She gave me the name and then lowered her tone and said to me and another mom, "but you know, the web site is for kids with, you know, special issues or problems. Like for kids who need that early intervention thingy." Uh-huh. And I suppose that makes the toys less interesting?? Or not filled with as much toy goodness? ? The ironic part of her comment was that per our state's EI guidelines for speech therapy, her son would more than lifely qualify for "that early intervention." He's no talker. So this mom and I are a bit, um, different in our parenting styles. But I'm trying to give the playgroup thing a fair try. I am interested in getting to know some of the other moms and babes. But I have to be honest...I find the whole playgroup thing to be stressful. I'm a nervous small-talker and secretly shy- even though I force myself out there into social situations. I worry that people are judging me until I get to know them well. But since life is no longer about me, we go each week so LT can be around other kids. And speaking of LT, she doesn't love playgroup either. She clings to me throughout most of the playtime. I try to get her engaged in toys or interested in a book, but she clings even tighter. If she is approached by another kid it can be disaster. She cries as if the world is ending if she gets touched by another child. I think her behavior stresses me out. I just want her to have fun and be exposed to all kinds of learning opportunities. Apparently she'd rather be at home playing with her own toys. I'm trying to find the right mix of activities in and out of our home for LT. And let's be honest- for me too. I need to get out of the house! LT loves swimming class and storytime at the library, so we're going full speed ahead with those. She's not fond of Mandarin class, but that one is not negotiable. I just keep trying things again with her to see if it interests her, and trying to respect her limits and understand what makes her uncomfortable. She is definitely a sensitive kid. So I'm curious about others' experiences with playgroups. Do you love it/hate it? Does your child love it/hate it? Do the moms at your playgroup set out elaborate appetizers and flower arrangements? (yes- the mom at the last group had quite a spread!)

Catch-up

Um, hi! Remember me? I've been very uninspired lately. But I'm starting to get the blog itch again, so here I am. I'm back. ...................................................................... So, separation. The last time I posted I was very uptight about this issue. And for good reason, as the following week I had scheduled a *much-needed* date night out with MT. We had dinner reservations and show tickets! Oh the excitement! And dread. Ugh, I was dreading the thought of leaving LT with a sitter. But I have to admit that the desire to have a night out was stronger than the dread. So the sitter showed up, and as expected, LT wailed in terror as we left. She can really put on the waterworks. Oh, the drama. But we left. And as I settled in to the fabulous new restaurant with well-known chef, I worried about LT. But then the waiter opened the wine, and I had a glass. And then the appetizers showed up. I'm still dreaming about these appetizers- tuna tartare and quail (no- not together!). I think it was at this point that I told MT, "I don't care if LT is waking the dead with her cries right now, this is SO worth it." And it was worth it! Good lord, the food was good. Weeks later we're still talking about the food in hushed tones and with great reverence. We dined, we took in a show, we enjoyed walking in our city again. It was a wonderful night. It felt nice to be alone with MT. I consider the night a success. LT did not eat or drink for the sitter. But, she didn't cry the *entire* time we were gone. That's progress in my book. I left LT again the following week. MT traveled the entire week, so a friend offered to watch LT one night so I could have dinner with old friends. The friend/sitter is someone LT knows very well. LT did ok. The friend/sitter actually took pictures to prove that she didn't cry the entire time I was gone. Heh. Good thing we all have a sense of humor about this. During both times away from LT she did stop crying, but curiously she won't walk around. At all. It's as if she loses the ability to walk and her legs are made of jelly. If she is left standing she remains rooted to the spot, almost unable to move. She clings to the sitter and begs to be held. And of course our friend/sitter is happy to oblige and hold her. I suppose she just wants to be comforted, and needs the close contact. Ok, gotta go get some sleep tonight to be well-rested for Madge's tv interview tomorrow morning. Heh.

The One in Which I Struggle

LT is doing great these days. She is kicking her feet like a champ. Oh how she loves to kick her feet. Almost as much as she loves to spin in circles. She is picking up new signs daily - we are at 25 signs last count. And she is making new sounds, so we feel like there is definitely progress on the speech front. The crunchy leaves outside have sent her into a bit of a tailspin though. Just when she got used to the grass - now there are crunchy, crackly leaves of all colors all over the grass and sidewalk. She gets upset and cries for me to pick her up when we are walking along the sidewalk and encounter big piles. She'll get used to them eventually though, just in time for the first big snow I'm sure. But despite all of the feet kicking, spinning, babbling and leaf-stomping, I am struggling with one big issue: separation. It is the issue that keeps me up at night and has me questioning my parenting skills and decisions. LT is definitely a shy, reserved kid who prefers to do things as part of a routine, and on her own turf. She prefers her mama and dada over anyone, but will tolerate some friends and family. In particular the friends who respect her boundaries and don't expect too much from her. These folks are rewarded with big full-face smiles that melt our hearts. She is not a fan of other kids her size, but has been known to follow an older child around in utter adoration. When LT came home we focused on establishing a strong bond/attachment. We didn't let anyone else feed/change/bathe/hold her for the first few months. Since that time she has spent time with a babysitter on occasion, but it never goes well. She refuses to eat, cries much of the time we are gone (except when watching a DVD), and requires that the sitter hold her the entire time we were away from her. LT also sometimes becomes more clingy outside of our home when only one parent is with her. I think most of this sounds pretty normal so far. She's a shy, sensitive babe who prefers to stay close to her mama. I don't push her, and I try to follow her cues, especially when we're not at home (i.e. at a class, storytime, etc.). I'm okay with this on most days, and then I run into people with different expectations of LT and I start to question everything. This all started to boil up as a worry for me when we were visiting family a few weeks ago. We were staying at my mother-in-law's house and throwing a baby shower for my sister-in-law. LT was ok when it was just us and her grandma, but she was super-clingy at the shower itself. I didn't think much of it at first as it was loud, the room was filled with strangers (to LT), and we were not at home. Of course she would want her mama. LT would not let anyone else hold her, and screamed in terror if I left her sight. She did her best to keep one hand on me at all times, if she wasn't in my arms already. Shower guests began to make comments in passing that made me feel...like crap. I don't want to re-hash the comments, but essentially many of these ladies were making disparaging remarks about the fact that LT is so clingy to her mama. At one point I had to leave her for a moment with her grandma to get something out of the oven, and she screamed and cried. I overheard someone say, "Oh, she doesn't go to daycare does she?" and then, "they never leave her with anyone." Geesh- I can't win here. I went home feeling like crap about my parenting style. I then had another "moment" at Mandarin class a few weeks ago. We started a Mandarin immersion mommy and me class, with the opportunity for me to take a parent-only class myself afterwards. The first parent class was a disaster. I left LT with the sitter, and she screamed and howled the entire hour. I did not know what to do. She got more upset if I went back to calm her, so they encouraged me to just stay in class. I could hear her screaming through the walls and could not comprehend a word of the Mandarin that the teacher was speaking to me. It was awful. We also participate in classes and playgroups - and typically LT sits on my lap or keeps one arm looped around mine for the duration of the class. I don't push her, but I do try to engage her in interesting activities and toys. I want her to at least be exposed, and I feel like it's up to her to decide on participation as she is still so little. But her behavior at Mandarin class etc. has resulted in several moms in the past few weeks asking me if her clinginess is adoption-related. I even had a mom say to me that her "little life has been pretty uncertain so far, so no wonder she clings to you." Aye. Perhaps her clinginess is adoption related, but let me be the judge of that. What this issue boils down to for me is a no-win situation. I feel like if I leave her, it is somehow damaging to her, or her relationship/attachment to me. I feel like she will be more insecure if I leave her. But, if I don't leave her, I feel like I am not exposing her appropriately to the emotions and skills she will develop by being left without me for short periods of time. She does need to learn to deal with negative emotions herself. So I get myself all wrapped up in this circular thinking and have no idea what to do because I cannot win either way. Leave her and risk her feeling abandoned. Don't leave her and she'll never stop clinging to my leg and miss out on fun opportunities. The more I think about it, the more I beat myself up over it. I'm trying to go with my instincts and do what I think is right, and best for LT. But this is hard.

Five Things

Five things LT did last week: 1. Signed "thank you" to me - *unprompted*- after I gave her a drink. My heart burst with pride! I didn't realize what she had done at first, but MT was in the kitchen with me, saw her do the sign, and then yelled out with glee. Yes, glee. 2. Made several new sounds - doh, ba, and pa. It's good to hear her babble more. She also tried very hard to repeat us when we made new sounds this week. She focuses on our mouths and gets very serious. She often forms her lips into the shape required to make the sound, but then she says "mamamama." Oh she is trying so hard to talk! 3. Sniffs her own feet. This one really makes me laugh. She puts her feet to her nose and breathes in and out loudly. And then she points to me and signs "more" until I smell her feet and tickle her. It sounds kind of silly in writing, but it's our funny little game. 4. Kick her feet and march. She just picks up her right foot when she kicks her feet, but she smiles like it's the most fun she's ever had. Well, except for the marching. She follows me around when we march and signs "moremoremoremore" when I stop. 5. Ate an apple. LT eats very little fruit, except pureed fruit or applesauce. She still loves the pureed stuff (i.e. baby food) and asks for it. I think it's a texture issue for her. But today we went apple picking, and MT and I were eating freshly picked apples. I kept offering LT apple pieces, and on the fiftieth attempt she finally tried it! And then ate most of an apple. I'm one lucky mama.

The Therapist

Back in July, I talked about our experience with Early Intervention. We continued on with the OT during August, but I began to dread the appointments each week. LT is a shy, reserved child by nature, but something about this therapist (Kimberly) just really made her cling to me. So each week Kimberly would come and she and I would talk about LT. And LT would cling to me desperately the entire hour, refuse to touch any toys, and sometimes even sign "all done" each and every time the therapist would so much as look at her. Eventually, at a session, Kimberly left me with a book chock full of activities to help the "out of sync child." Activities to do when Kimberly was not around. When the hour was over, the therapist would leave and LT would leap from my lap, grab textured toys and rub them all over her body. Just kidding. But she would relax and revert back to being "herself." Incidentally, we also continued on with speech therapy during this time. LT had been signing for months, but in August she really took off with the signs. I *highly* recommend signing with your child (any child!), as it has saved us from much frustration. LT also really warmed up to the speech therapist, and gets really engaged in the toys and activities. In early September we visited our pediatrician for LT's 18-month check-up. We talked at length about LT's progress in both speech and with sensory issues. I explained to the ped how the OT visits went, and my concerns and frustrations. I felt like we weren't accomplishing anything at the sessions, and that I could manage many OT-type activities on our own time (i.e. we can play with playdough, food, textured balls, etc.). I also felt that LT had made a great deal of progress since her initial EI evaluation. The pediatrician agreed, and stated that "we could always come back to therapy if needed." What I heard the ped say was "you can stop the silly therapy sessions now! And you are not harming your daughter if you stop!!" So the very next session I very politely relayed our doctor's recommendations to Kimberly, and we agreed to "take a break." (Why did I feel like I was breaking up with her?) It was such a relief. This morning MT, LT and I were out in our little town running errands. We stopped in a local store and LT was in fine form. A clerk was playing with her as she sat in her stroller, and she was giggling and smiling - really putting on a show. The giggles continued as we left the store and walked into the bakery next door. And then abruptly, the giggles stopped. We ran in to Kimberly at the bakery! We said our hellos, she smiled at LT and waved. LT gave her a stony look. Moments before she was flirting with a store clerk she didn't know, and now she wouldn't smile or look in the direction of Kimberly. Hmmm. I think we made the right decision about taking a break from the OT.

Cat Got Your Tongue?

LT and I were out running errands this week. Outside of our local over-priced organic grocery store, I noticed cages with cats, and a few dogs on leashes. Apparently the local animal shelter was hosting an event to promote "adoption" of these animals. As we left the store, we paused at the cages to look at the cats. LT loves to chase after the neighbor's cat, so I thought it would be fun to stop and look. And besides the kitties on display were really cute. I ooohed and ahhhed over the kitties, and LT and I meowed a few times. I turned to go, and passed by a volunteer holding a small dog. I stopped and said, "oh LT, look at the doggie..." And the volunteer looked at me, then at LT, and then back at me. She then said, "well, you're obviously in to adoption. How about a dog?" Um. Uh. Um. What? I quickly said, "um, no thank you," and walked away. I was muttering to myself all the way to my car. A million thoughts were racing through my head. I wanted to go back and say something to that stupid lady. I mean, what a dumb thing to say. I turned around when I got to my car and started to march back towards the store. I wanted to tell that lady that my daughter may not understand what she is saying, but other children might. And hey, I'm a dog lover too, but she might want to consider how that comment could make a child, my child, feel. As I got closer I noticed a crowd beginning to gather around the lady. And I chickened out. The last thing I wanted to do was to create a scene. I turned around and slunk back to my car. Before I set LT in her carseat, I hugged her. I wish I could just put her in a bubble and protect her from stupid crap like this.

Ten Things

Ten things LT did this week: 1. Learned the sign for "clean-up." We clean up her toys every night before bedtime. I sing a little clean-up song and we put her assorted plastic goodies away. LT used to just follow me around and squeal with delight. Now she follows me around the first floor of our house as I pick up the toys, squeals and signs "clean-up" over and over. We'll have to work on participation! 2. Dropped all of her wooden fruit into the bathtub as I took my shower. Two mornings in a row. 3. Stared with awe at her music teacher and stood next to me with her arm linked through mine during music class. She did let go for a moment when the teacher blew bubbles, but was quickly back at my side. When we got home though she happily knocked her "rhythm sticks" together and danced to the CD I put on. No dancing or drumming in public for my girl! 4. Managed to get a few bites of food into her mouth using a fork. All by herself! I clapped for her, and then of course she clapped for herself. 5. Signed "please" almost every time she asked me for "more" or to "open" something. Oh, she is cute when she signs please. 6. Walked around after dinner last night with her sippy cup hanging from her mouth (gripping the spout in her teeth). She laughed every time we'd try to take it away. Or even just look her way. 7. Sat in the bottom step of our back porch stairs next to me. She'd back up, sit down and then look up and smile at me. And then I'd say,"are you sitting on the step just like mama?" And she'd laugh with delight. We did this over and over all week. 8. Drop her stuffed bears out of her crib. And then squeal with delight each time I picked them up and put them back into her crib. The squeals were even louder if I managed to catch a bear before it hit the ground. 9. Tried to learn some new signs (i.e. "again" and "on"). If she couldn't quite do the sign she would then sign all of the other signs she knows in rapid succession. So I'd ask her if she wanted to do something again (and do the sign), and she'd quickly sign "more," "open," and "out." I suppose she figures that one of those signs has to eventually get her what she wants. 10. Dropped things on my head from our shopping cart in T*arget. I was below her, trying shoes on her feet. She had a couple of items in her area of the cart, and of course she thought it was genius to drop them on my head. She was laughing so hard that she was snorting, so I had to give the items back and continue the game. Unfortunately we had to cut the game short when she laughed so hard that she puked. Funny game turned to stinky mess rather quickly. All in all, a good week.

Another Perspective

In this post, I talked about some Christmas figurines that my mother-in-law showcases on her mantle every holiday. One of my favorite readers, B. (who is fabulous and should have her own blog!), sent me an email with a different perspective on this issue. B. wrote to me*: I hope you don't mind my emailing you about this. I read your post with interest, and have been thinking about it ever since. And everything I want to say about it comes strictly from my own experience, so feel free to take it with a grain of salt....I grew up Asian in a very white community. Obviously my upbringing was different from what LT's will be, as my parents were also Asian. Still, I went to an all-white school. And I keep thinking, that suppose a teacher had put up a bulletin board with construction paper faces to represent the kids in class, and she had made a darker brown one to represent me -- I would have been horrified. I didn't want to seem different from my friends -- I wanted to blend. That's not necessarily a good thing, but it's how I felt as a kid. When I read your post, and I read that most people thought replacing the white figurine with a Chinese one would be a good idea -- I dunno. My first instinct was, oh no, the kid does not need to be beaten over the head with the fact that she's Chinese. Don't get me wrong. Her culture is beautiful, and it's important for her to have it in her life. She needs to be proud of who she is. I know you guys will do everything in your power to see that happen. But. Your MIL's figurines aren't really meant to represent your heritage, are they? You said yours was a red-haired waif with pigtails, which doesn't really have anything to do with you beyond hair color. So why should it be a big deal if LT's doesn't represent her at all, beyond hair color? And what would your reaction be, suppose, if LT happened to be of mixed heritage? Part Asian and part White, say. You know my child is exactly that, so what would I do in your shoes? Look for a mixed figurine? An Asian one? Would that insult the part of her that's White? It gets silly after while, in my humble opinion. I would think a figurine with dark hair would be perfectly fine.... I could go on and on -- I have lots to say about the race issue, particularly growing up Asian in a white country, -- but I'll stop now. Please don't feel like I'm bashing you, or telling you what you're feeling is wrong -- you feel what you feel, and I know it's due to your desire to protect your little one. Of course, I have no idea what LT will think as she grows up. But I wanted to gingerly suggest that it's probably not necessary to make a point every time of the fact that she's Chinese -- in this case, I think it's a bigger deal that she's represented as your adorable little dark-haired daughter. Respectfully, B. My first reaction to seeing B.'s thoughts was probably a little defensive. (Aw come on, I'm not perfect.) I felt like I needed to clarify MIL's behavior and attitudes towards LT to be more than the snapshot here. So I replied to B. and described a little more about MIL's attitude towards LT. She is definitely uncomfortable whispering about, er I mean, discussing race. Just tonight on the phone we were talking about LT's recent check-up and her weight. She struggled to find the words to say that LT could be petite because she is Chinese. But my point here is that for me, these figurines are representative of MIL's attitudes about LT's race. At best she ignores it, and at worst it is a novelty (ala "China doll"). And sometimes I worry that she loves LT *despite* her race. My next thought was worry that I will become the overzealous adoptive parent who will cram our Americanized version of Chinese culture down her child's throat in hopes that it will make it all okay. To the point that LT will be sick of it. And feel tired of being different from everyone in her family. I can't give her what is her birthright (i.e. language), but I want to be able to give her something. Something that will help understand and be proud of her racial identity and heritage. I think there is a fine line between raising LT with exposure to her culture versus just being a family and living our daily lives. Not every event in life will be an issue related to her adoption, or being raised by white parents. It's my job to try to walk the line and prepare LT for the world. I don't know how she will feel about any of this, so perhaps the lesson I need to take away is that I need to listen, I mean really listen to how she feels. And just do the best I can to help her grow up feeling proud of who she is. My last thought was sadness. Sadness that my friend B. wanted to "just blend." A few months ago I went to a class at my adoption agency that included a panel of adult Korean adoptees. One of the young women spoke about her childhood and her longing for blonde hair and blue eyes. When I hear stories like these I can't help but think, "but, but, but I don't want LT to feel that way!" I want her to be okay with her looks. But then reality sets in and I realize that I can't control/help/change how she'll feel. But hopefully I can give LT the tools and experiences that will help her manage and understand those feelings. Or just be ok. Eh. This is hard. MT and I have good intentions and a lot of love. Some days that feels like not nearly enough. *I re-printed this with B.'s permission. Thanks again for the dialogue B.! You rock!

Circles! Circles!

Today LT learned to turn in circles. Her beloved dada spun in circles with her after breakfast this morning, and it is all she has wanted to do since. She spins round and round in her unbalanced, wobbly, toddler way, giggles and then falls over from the dizziness. Or runs into a wall. Luckily she has managed to remain generally unharmed so far today. After impact, she then stands up, points to me, and waits for me to say "turn in circles! Make circles! Yay!" And then we do it again. I never imagined that turning in circles could be such endless fun! Stay tuned for tomorrow: we learn to kick our feet! PS- thanks for the comments on the Christmas figurine. Now, um, would anyone have any ideas on where to find an acceptable replacement?

The Matching Shirts

We spent the weekend with MT's entire family last weekend. Prior to the weekend, I received an email from my mother-in-law requesting that I bring a pair of denim shorts for LT to wear. Since we were all going to be together, she had purchased matching shirts for LT and her cousin (CT) to wear, and she wanted to take a picture of the girls in their matching outfits. CT is about 6 months older than LT. I've written in the past about my relationship with my mother-in-law. We don't see eye-to-eye on many issues, but I am grateful that LT has an adoring grandmother. Anyway, this email just aggravated me. I kept thinking about it, dwelling on it...I couldn't get past it. Today I was talking to a friend, and I uncovered what has been bothering me about this seemingly benign request. Step back to Christmas 2005...we visit mil's house for the very first time with LT, who has been home for a month. Every Christmas mil decorates her mantel with porcelain Christmas figurines (I know, I know- yuck. But they are on HER mantel - I don't have to look at them). She sets out a figurine for every member of the family. She started the collection with a mother (Mrs. Claus), father (Santa) and three boys (a brunette, blonde and redhead). As her sons married off, she added the representative girl figurines. So yes, I am immortalized as a red-haired waif with pigtails and bloomers on her mantel every Christmas. When the first grandchild was born into the family in 2004, a blonde girl was added to the mantel. Anyway, this past Christmas there was of course a new figurine to represent LT. Mil proudly showed off this new figurine - a brown-haired girl. Yes, a white brown-haired girl. Because said figurine company does not make Asian figurines. I was a new parent, barely over the jet lag and sick with a cold, so I didn't say anything. Ahh, I'm making excuses, honestly, I was at a loss for words. I remember feeling very sad for LT. We're already sending her a message that her race doesn't matter and that we see her as white. Never mind that she's Chinese, at least the the brown hair on the figurine matches. So since Christmas, this issue has festered in my sub-conscious. I have no idea how, if, when I should handle it. So last week when mil asked to dress LT like her cousin and take her picture, the request felt oddly related to this issue. It felt like she was trying to dress LT her like her white, blonde-haired, blue-eyed cousin, and was not seeing her for who she is - NOT a white girl. I feel as if she is sending her message that LT's race is about as important as her hair color. As it turned out, the matching t-shirt picture was never taken. But the figurine will be brought out next Christmas. LT won't notice this Christmas, but she might the following year. I wonder if she'll notice, and if so, how it will make her feel.

7 x 7

Chicagomama tagged me for a meme, and well, thank goodness. Because we've had two days of rainy, blah weather and my mood is beginning to match the weather. I was feeling so uninspired. 7 Things I Want to Do without Dying of Embarassment 1. Find a new career/ go back to school 2. Take ballet lessons 3. Navigate a social gathering and make smalltalk effortlessly (and not feel like a big dork) 4. Take adult swimming lessons (I have a fear of the water) 5. Wear a bikini 6. Run a marathon (what if I don't finish?) 7. Say what I am really thinking when people ask me stupid questions in the grocery store! 7 Things I Cannot Do in the Summer 1. Wear a tank top 2. Sleep without the air conditioning on 3. Jump into the deep end of the pool (again, the phobia) 4. Sit out in the sun without SPF30 sunscreen (dude, I am pale) 5. Exercise outside on a humid day 6. Go to bed sweaty - I have to shower first and be squeaky clean 7. Eat soup 7 Things I Can Do which are Meaningless Unless you are still in Junior High 1. Send lightning fast IMs 2. Wear layered tees and jeans that show my buttcrack 3. Use "dude" sixteen times in one conversation (dude, sometimes it just gets the point across) 4. Snark about the other girls on my block 5. Convey a look of extreme angst 6. Write my name (Mrs. MT) in the margins of my notebook 7. Sleep until noon (oh I can do it, just wish LT would let me) 7 Things Which Attracted Me to My House 1. The 102 year-old charm! (yes, charming is what we call it when it seems to be falling down around us) 2. The community - a diverse village with a walkable downtown 3. Distance to the city - we can still take public transportation in 4. The kitchen - with cream cabinets and black concrete countertops 5. The lovely vintage woodwork throughout 6. The fabulous prairie-style, Frank Lloyd Wright inspired style of our house and neighborhhod 7. The yard - we have a large lot for being in a relatively urban area 7 Things I Say Most Often When I am Crying 1. Gasp, sniffle, snort, gasp, sniffle, snort, gasp, sniffle, snort 2. Why is this happening to me? 3. I'm just so tired 4. Isn't this house charming (see above) 5. But I want to have another child (see this post) 6. It hurrrtttttssssss 7. I'm so pissed off I could cry (oh wait, I am!) 7 Children's Books I am Adding to My Own Collection 1. Little Women - oh how I love this entire series 2. Click, Clack, Moo: Cows That Type and Duck for President - I love the humor. Seriously, these animals crack me up 3. The Secret Garden 4. Olivia - she's such a sassy pig 5. Where the Sidewalk Ends - I loved this when I was a kid 6. The Harry Potter series - I cannot wait for the last book and I think Harry is going to die (sob) 7. Kite Flying - the illustrations are so lovely 7 Children's Movies I Can Watch for the Bazillionth Time Without Wanting to Rip My Eyes from Their Sockets 1. The Little Mermaid - there is something about a red-headed heroine that I love 2. The Sound of Music - you gotta love whiskers on kittens and the hills alive with the sound of music 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. Um, we don't watch many movies yet (LT is only 17-months old!) so I haven't been subjected to the genre...yet. I'd like to tag Johnny, Sparky, Hao Bao Bao and Baggage, and anyone else who is depressed because summer is almost over.

Family

When MT and I decided to start a family, we dreamed of three children. We were young (I was only 28!), our careers were on the rise, and we just knew we'd have the resources required for three children. We had the finances, the family support, and the emotional stamina to throw at parenthood. Now almost six years later, we finally have a daughter. A beautiful, perfect daughter- at last we are a family! We're battle-scarred but over-the-moon happy to be parents. Because of the path we've taken to build our family, the vision of our family has now changed. After adopting LT our attention immediately turned to adoption #2. We knew right away that a sibling for LT was the right thing for our family. Suddenly two children seemed to feel right, and really, we'd be damn lucky to have two kids. We're feeling pretty lucky to be LT's parents after all. Now here is where this all falls apart. The wait to adopt from China is twice as long as it was when we entered the program, and appears to be getting even longer. It all seems very uncertain - it could be a long wait, the program could close, requirements could change, who knows. On one hand this is great news, as it appears that there are less children available for adoption, and many more families who are interested in adopting. "Great," says the rational side of my brain. This is great for the children. I am hearing rumblings that there are less children being abandoned, and that domestic adoption is on the rise. This is all very good. But, but, but...well, I want to have another child and I am unsure if a second adoption will happen. There, I said it. I'm selfish. I want another baby. Adoption definitely has a selfish aspect to it, and I'm really struggling with how to process these emotions. I want to have the privilege of parenting another child, and I really want to give LT a sibling who shares her ethnic and cultural origins. It just gets so messy and complicated. I'm certainly not entitled to another baby, but I can't help my feelings. When we decided to adopt, I threw myself into it wholeheartedly. I felt like we had some control over our family-building, and that the difficult decisions were over. We finally came to terms with a path to build our family: we'd adopt two children from China, and that would be it. I'd throw every resource possible at raising my daughters and being a transracial family. Now I feel so silly and naive for thinking this way, as there are certainly no guarantees. We're continuing to move forward with the paperwork for adoption #2. I don't know what will happen, and some days I wish I had a crystal ball. I am certainly willing to wait, and definitely willing to take the risk. I can't help but wish that there was some guarantee though. I just can't help but feel that way now that I want this not only for me, but for LT as well. My feelings are ugly and messy, and I feel selfish. And even a little guilty. But damn it, I want to bring another child into our family. We have entertained thoughts of different ways to add a child to our family. Another country, domestic adoption, and even thawing some of our frozen embryos (aaack- I can barely type those words...yes, we have frozen embryos...I can't carry them...I don't know if they are even viable...). But MT and I feel committed to adopting another child from China at this point because it's no longer just about us. I feel like LT deserves a sibling with the same racial and cultural identity as her own. I'm feeling sad and uncertain tonight, and unsure about where and how to express my feelings. Part of me feels like I need to just keep this to myself, and just feel happy/lucky/fortunate that I have one child. But I just can't push back the feelings of desire for another child. I just can't help but wish that building a family was easier.

Just Another Summer Day

The summer fun continues here at the T household. Today was one of those days where I looked at my girl and thought to myself, "wow, she seems older today." It's as if she plods along status quo and takes in everything around her, and then suddenly one day she grows up a little and is ready to show off some new skills. It seems to happen that fast. We started the day with our usual cuddle time in bed. LT was reading some books, so I thought I'd sneak in a peek at the newspaper. LT has to be rightnexttome and involved in everything I do these days - and especially when MT is out of town on business. I started reading an article, and LT was sitting next to me. A few moments later she grabbed another section of the newspaper and started reading as well. She has just started to imitate me, and it is just so sweet. When I wipe up spills from the floor (often), she walks over and rubs the floor next to me. Next we ran a few quick errands and then met a friend at the pool. LT had a ball of course and did laps. That is, laps around the pool. LT's new favorite activity at the pool is to walk around the outside of the 1-foot kiddie pool. This cannot be done independently though, she must hold mama's hand at just the right angle, so I have to crouch down awkwardly. But that's ok, she'll pay my chiropractor bills when I'm old, yes? After a picnic lunch at the pool and then a long nap, we set off for the post office. LT loves to go to the post office. It's in a big old building with the stroller entrance at one end, and the service counter at the opposite end of a long hallway. So I unleash LT from stroller captivity and she gets to walk all the way down the hallway. She laughs, smiles and squeals the entire walk. It is enough to make even the grumpiest bystander smile. We then did a little retail therapy at the local T#rg*t. This of course lifted my mood. And then I decided to take LT out to dinner. We eat out at least once a week with LT, so she is used to the drill. But she is a toddler, so dinner can be unpredictable. We had so much fun at dinner tonight! She ate with gusto, she smiled, she squealed, she tried everything I ordered. She signed all of her new signs - open, eat and flower. She is very interested in using a fork these days and was occupied during much of the meal poking at her food. And then it happened, she put the fork to her mouth and actually got a bite of food in to her mouth (with the help of her other hand- but hey, she has to start somewhere). Oh what a proud mama I am! Our day ended with LT helping me carry in the shopping bags. No, really. She carried in a bag from the garage, all the way across the yard to the house. We set off to put on pajamas and I was treated to several wet kisses. And even a hug. It was actually a pretty mundane day. Errands, eating, cleaning up, and a little splashy pool fun - nothing extraordinary. I didn't get the laundry done, the house picked up, or complete much else on my to-do list. But it was the kind of day that reminded me just how lucky I am to be LT's mama. *Edited to add: That's not my hairy arm in the picture!!

Introductions

Last week we hosted a playgroup at our house. The group includes children of varying ages, and in the summertime often includes older siblings. Moms and tots were arriving and things were a bit chaotic. I was setting up kiddie pools and handing out juice boxes with LT on my hip. I set her down for a moment and overheard the following introduction: Playgroup Mom: (speaking to her oldest child) That's LT and this is her house. 5 year-old child: Uhhhh. Playgroup Mom: That's her mommy, T-shaped Girl (points to me). 5 year-old child: Uhhhh. Playgroup Mom: LT was born in China. Her mommy adopted her and brought her here. 5 year-old child: (speaking to me) Do you have snacks here? And so then I grabbed LT and had the following conversation with her:* T-shaped Girl: That's a little girl who came to play with you. LT: Ohhhhh. T-shaped Girl: That's her mommy (point to Playgroup Mom). LT: Ahhhhhh. T-shaped Girl: 5-year old child's aunt donated her eggs so her mama could do ivf and get pregnant with her. LT: Ohhhhh. My introduction was just as relevant, yes? 5 year-old girl didn't notice or care where the hell LT was from. She just wanted some crackers. Had 5 year-old girl asked her mother, or me, a question about why LT looks different than me, or about adoption, I would have been more than happy to talk about it. Kids are curious, and I feel strongly that they deserve to have their questions answered. And I am happy to talk openly and proudly about LT's adoption (within reason). But I do not understand why that mother needed to label LT in an introduction. In truth, I ignored the comment and moved on. I can't educate everyone, and I have to let most things just roll off my back. Would you have replied or commented to Playgroup Mom? *In my head.

The Prints, They Are No Good

In my enthusiasm to be active and social this week, I think I may have over-scheduled us a bit. But summer is slipping away so fast- I don't want LT to miss a minute of summery fun. We've spent a lot of time digging in the sand, and according to LT there is much more digging to be done. Even with the playdate madness this week, we managed to take an afternoon to get fingerprinted for adoption #2. Yippee- a milestone! The last set of prints happened in November 2004, before I started to blog. Fingerprinting didn't go so well for me- my prints were rejected. Apparently my fingerprints are "worn down" and "hard to print." I see this as proof that I missed out on my oppotunity for a life of crime. Anyway, this translated into a 2-month delay for us in dossier prep as we had to wait for an appointment to get re-printed. I managed to whittle that down to a one-month delay though my going to said government office one-month early and crying*. Even hardened government employees can by sympathetic to the plight of a pre-adoptive parent, and they re-printed me without an appointment! So this time, I chatted with the employees as they fingerprinted me since the place was deserted (I have never been to a government office that had NO line! No! Waiting!). I commented that it seems silly that I have to get fingerprinted again, since they already have a good set of my prints, from last time. The supervisor replied that it actually does make sense since they have to check for changes in my criminal history since the last time I was printed. Ok, I get this. I support this. I could have committed a felony in the past year. But why get fingerprinted AGAIN? My FINGERPRINTS don't change. It is my RECORD that might change. Isn't it a waste of everyone's time to fingerprint me again? Can't we just pull up the old prints and then run the search on my background?? I was further frustrated when the supervisor looked at my freshly printed prints and said, "yep, these will probably be rejected again. We can't do anything about that." Huh??? Are we so driven by the process that we can't see that the process is not working? I'm going to set my frustration aside for now though and wait to see what happens. Perhaps the figerprint fairies will intervene and my prints will be accepted. Look for an update in 4-8 weeks. *The crying was not pre-planned. I just got emotional and told the employees about my daughter waiting in China for me. Then the tears just came.

Someone, Tell Me What to Do!

We're having a fun summer here at the T household. We've had beach time, and lots and lots of pool time. We've even splashed a couple of times at the pool with these cute girls (and their fabulous mama). We're eating a lot of ice cream, and staying out past our bedtime. We're trying to pack in as much fun as possible before the inevitable happens...Fall. Today I had the joyful experience of being puked on for the very first time. Yes, LT has been with us for almost nine months now, and she has never puked on me. We've had a little spit up, lots of drool, and boatloads of snot, but never full-on puke. We had a play date, and we were outside eating lunch. LT started choking. She tends to overstuff her mouth when she is hungry, so I waited for her to then start coughing. Because that is what is supposed to happen next. Well, she didn't start coughing. She was making the awful gagging, choking motions. Oh.My.God. "My daughter is choking," I thought to myself as I continued to sit and look stupidly at her. And then suddenly I was able to move. And like lightning, I grabbed the tray off of LT's chair, I pulled LT out of the chair, and then I yelled, "somebody tell me what to do!!!!" I'm such a cool and competent mother. Luckily at that moment she made a little coughing sound. My friend yelled, "she's coughing, she's coughing! Pat her on the back!!" I held LT close to me and patted her. She continued to make choking noises and then coughing. And then it happened: the puke came out. LT puked like a champ. First she puked up what she had been eating for lunch, and then she puked out everything else she had eaten or drank (drunk?) this morning. She puked on my shirt, on my shorts, down my back and then into my shirt. It is a unique feeling to have vomit sliding down your (supposed) cleavage. I was covered in puke, but LT remarkably had very little vomit on herself. My kid is talented. And just like that, the crisis was averted. No thanks to her mama, LT was fine and reaching for her (puke-covered) sippy cup. Happy summer!

Next Time We Stay Home

While away on our long vacation, I had plenty of time to think. I thought a lot about my life, changes since deciding to be a stay at home mom, and how different my life is now. Truth be told, I have had a difficult adjustment to staying at home with LT. I wouldn't want it any other way, but the isolation has been a little hard. And I feel like I've had a hard time meeting the "right" group of moms. You know, other moms who have a similar parenting style, lifestyle and kids who are appropriate playmates for LT. And it's hard to make new friends - I worry about coming on to strong (stalker!) or being too stand-offish (snob!). In addition to thinking about me, I had plenty of time on my hands to worry about LT (because apparently it's not all about me anymore). I worried about her development, attachment, if she was eating enough, the drinking issues, etc. I suppose that is part of the Motherhood Job Description. Anyway, I concluded that once I was back from vacation I was going to focus on reducing my feelings of isolation, and make sure that LT was getting enough time around other kids (as she is currently terrified of most other children. Freezes when they get within three feet of her). So began Operation Anti-Isolation and Pro-Socialization. So with a fresh outlook and attitude of determination, I agreed to attend a playgroup today. We have played with this playgroup on three other occasions, back in late winter/early spring. It seems like a nice group of women and kids, but I have definitely been on the fringe.* The group meets at member households, as well as parks, playgrounds etc. The location rotates every other week. The kids are varying ages, which I thought would be great for LT as she is less frightened by older children. I'm hesitating as I write this, as I don't want to sound judgemental...but I have to get this off my chest. Today's playgroup was at C.'s house. C has a 5-year old son and a pool. It is currently 98 degrees here with 98% humidity, so I thought that a pool would be a perfect activity. I was the first to arrive at C.'s house (great, I'm giving the stalker vibe!), but I grabbed the beach bag, pool float and LT and marched up to the front door. This was going to be a great experience for us. I confidently rang the doorbell. And waited, and waited. I began to get nervous and checked the address again. Finally the door opened and C.'s son answered. He just kind of look at us. I finally asked if we could come inside. Oh, I should have stayed on the front porch. When I stepped inside the home, I was greeted with an, um, odor. Okay, I thought, perhaps they have pets. Lots of 'em. I marched onward. Um, no pets. But as I walked further and further into the house, I became more and more horrified. The house was filthy. Just filthy. I was dumbfounded. I held LT in may arms and had a sinking feeling in my stomache. Shit. Now what? Feign illness? Because there was no way that I could let LT play in this place. At that point my only hope was the backyard. I headed straight outside with LT. I greeted C, who was vacumning the pool. And much to my surprise (and relief) it was very nice. It was very clean, shaded and seemed to be well-maintained. Oh thank goodness. Thankfully the three other moms and kids showed up shortly after we arrived. We swam for a while, and then it was suggested we go inside for a snack. Ohhhhh, no. I didn't know what to do. It was close to the end of the playgroup time, so I figured I'd change LT and get the heck out of there. So we went inside and I put a beach towel on the ground and changed her standing up. I left her water shoes on her so she wouldn't touch anything. She was oblivious, she was interested in touching all of the interesting, um, things (food? dust? tumbleweed??) that were on the carpet. Oh the horror. After changing LT, I had to change myself out of my wet swimsuit. I didn't want LT to touch anything, but she seemed to be enthralled with a desk chair that swivelled. Another mom offered to keep an eye on her, and I ran off the bathroom. I ripped off my swimsuit with my left hand, and held my clothes in my right hand. I couldn't set anything down. It makes me itch to think about it. Somehow I changed myself in under a minute. I ran back to LT, scooped her up and we hit the road. Here's what I don't get about this situation... 1. The other moms/kids in the group all live in really lovely homes. The three homes I had been to were all very upscale and clean. Very,very clean. White glove clean. And very, very expensive - we all live close-by in an affluent suburb. The moms are all well-educated, and had careers before the kids came. What did these moms think of C. and her house?? They had been there before. Were they as mortified as me? And why didn't anyone warn me??? 2. This woman is in the process of adopting. How exactly did her home visit go? I know they don't really do a "white glove" inspection, but is that environment really suitable for a baby?? Isn't the state of her household a symbol of deeper issues? 3. How do people live like that? Clutter is one thing, and there was plenty of that, but dirty is another. You don't need to be wealthy to be clean. I did not grow up with a lot of money, but our house was sparkling clean. My mother worked outside the home and still cleaned each week like the queen was coming to visit. How do you raise a child in a dirty environment? How is that safe? I feel funny about posting this, so I may delete this after a while. LT has been bathed and is napping, and I'm off to shower. *Found the group through an organization, and an acquaintance. Can't say much more as I want to protect privacy of those involved. Past venues have been very lovely and CLEAN homes.

Oh Crap.

As you know from this post, we spent the weekend with MT's family. At one point I was talking to my sister-in-law, and she asked a question about a gift that she had given LT for her birthday. I answered, but had this nagging feeling about her question. I had this feeling the rest of the weekend like I had forgotten something. When I got home on Sunday night I was digging through the in-box on my desk and realized with horror the reason for the question. I never sent a thank-you note for the gift. I did not mail thank you notes to anyone who gave LT a birthday present. In APRIL. APRIL. I feel like a complete ass. And I don't know how to handle the situation. Do I just mail the notes now and pretend like there is nothing odd about a thank you note coming three months later? Or do I acknowledge my assisness and call said family members to let them know a note is coming? Or do I drop the note into another note apologizing for the tardiness of my note?? And throw in a cute pic of LT to distract them from my assiness? Miss Manners would have my head. This is keeping me up at night. Seriously, I haven't been able to let this one go since Sunday night. What would you do?

Party On

While the rest of the KLBs were partying in Chicago, we spent the weekend out of town at my mother-in-laws. Uh-huh. Lucky me! We celebrated MT's grandfather's birthday. As I was helping MIL set the dinner table, I laughed out loud when I glimpsed the napkins. It's not every day that you get to use napkins that say "Happy 90th!" In fact, MIL had to special order them. It was a lovely party, really. All of MT's siblings were in town to celebrate. Being 90 means that you get to eat all of the corn on the cob (off the cob actually, because you have no teeth) and cake that you want. And actually, being 16 months old means the same thing. Great-Grandpa T and LT ate a lot of corn and cake. After candles were blown out and the cake was reduced to crumbs, we sat around and chatted. My sister-in-law is expecting a baby in November, so eventually talk turned to all things baby. We talked strollers, diaper bags, and assorted baby gear, and I was all over that conversation. And then the conversation turned to breast feeding. There are few topics these days that bring me back to the old infertility pain, but apparently breastfeeding is one of them. The opportunity to nurse my child was something that I really grieved when I was coping with the many losses of infertility. I really, really wanted to do it.* Now I know that it can be a very difficult thing to do, and is even painful for some women, but I had romantic notions about childbirth and breastfeeding. Boy did I feel out of place in that room. It was a roomful of women who all got pregnant easily, by having sex in the comfort of their own homes. Crazy, I know, but apparently it works for some people. They talked about pumps and freezing the milk, and even donating leftover milk. Blah, blah, blah. The little voice inside my head was busy yelling at me and calling me a freak of nature and a failure as a mother while the conversation was going on. All kinds of ugly feelings came bubbling up to the surface, and I felt like no one else in the room understood me or my version of motherhood. The version without labor pains, stretch marks and breast feeding. I just sat there feeling awkward and thinking of things I could say to join the conversation. Ididn't say a word. Afterwards I was telling MT about it, and trying to describe how I felt. The feelings weren't nearly as intense or as sad as they were a few short years ago. And certainly the sadness didn't last very long, as I had LT to distract me. But it is still there, a sad little place in my soul that I have tucked away for now. But sometimes the sadness comes out, and there is little I can do to control it. But what I felt afterwards was that even though the moment was sad and awkward, really I was ok. The conversation moved on, LT did something cute, we opened presents and had a toast to 90 years of life. And everything was ok again. *I know I could have tried breastfeeding with adoption, but I explored it and decided against it.

What's That Sound?

It's the KLB's swarming my town. Yes, I had the honor to meet some of the blogosphere's finest at the KLB Convention this afternoon. I spent a short time with Figlet, Hope Springs*, Grrl Travels, Love Made Real, Hao Bao Bao, Mrs. Figby, and their respective families. Lucky me! The weather was lousy, but the company was fabulous. We met up at the zoo, and it started to rain on us almost immediately. Mr. Figby was smart enough to realize that the carousel was covered, so all was not lost. LT was very shy this afternoon and wasn't too interested in the other kids, but a ride on the merry-go-round brought out some smiles. We all gazed at some big cats, and some small monkeys, and I was able to chat at least a little with everyone. The time was definitely too short. Unfortunately we can't make the rest of the KLB festivities this weekend (I blame my MIL), so I will miss out on meeting the rest of the families in town. Enjoy the rest of your time in my town- you are an amazing bunch! *Password protected.

The Intervention, It is Early - Part II

When we left off with Part I, the EI therapists had referred LT for speech and occupational therapy. The speech therapy I expected, and quite frankly, was grateful for the recommendation. I wanted to get help for LT and this seemed like a good thing for her. I was chomping at the bit to talk about her receptive and active language skills and couldn't wait to learn more about muscle tone. Bring on the ST. But the recommendation for occupational therapy took me by surprise. As the Occupational Therapist described LT's problems to me (are they problems? issues? developmental speed bumps???), my stomache turned. It is hard to sit and listen to someone tell you that your child is anything less than perfect. And I kept thinking things like, "but you don't really know her like I do" and "but she's just a sensitive kid who likes to observe things." Her diagnosis was in relation to sensory integration. After I had some time to absorb the information, do a little research, and talk to our pediatrician, I ended up with very mixed feelings regarding her diagnosis. In some ways it explained a lot about her behavior. In other ways I felt like her actions were just part of her personality and her own individual preferences. And perhaps this will sound crass, but it also felt like a trendy diagnosis. Like if P8ople Magazine gave out diagnoses, this would be the diagnosis on the front cover. The only thing I knew for certain is that no one could really tell me if she really, really had a problem, or if this could impact her learning long-term. So I approached OT with an attitude of "why not?" It certainly can't hurt, and hopefully it can help her in the long run. She's too young to risk being labeled, and perhaps I'd get some nice ideas about how to help her development. So we jumped in and scheduled the OT. OT is kind of like having a friend over to play with me and LT. At her age the therapy is all play-based. The goal of the therapy is to expose LT to shapes, textures and activities to get her more comfortable with touch. So in theory LT should be playing with the cool new toys that the very nice therapist (Kimberly) brings each week in her big bag of fun. In reality, LT cries when Kimberly shows up, she clings to my arm and hides behind me, watches every move Kimberly makes, and points to all of the toys. LT is *so* interested in the toys she brings, but is apparently terrified of Kimberly and is reluctant to actually touch any of the toys and play. LT is terrified of most other adults besides me and MT, but is definitely fearful of Kimberly. I, on the other hand, have a lovely time each session as I get to chat about LT for an hour to a captive audience. Heh. Kimberly starts each session by asking how LT is doing and what is new. I can't think of a more interesting topic! And then we get to talk about interesting activities I can try with LT. And it's always lovely to have a visitor. LT is making great progress though. Today during the "Kimberly Show," (what I call OT since Kimberly plays with all of the toys and LT watches) LT actually stepped off my lap and touched some of the toys. And she signed "more" several times when she wanted Kinberly to do something again. Woo-hoo! So the jury is out on the LT's diagnosis and the value of OT. We're going to give it the ole college try and see what happens. Anyone else out there have a different experience with OT? I'll talk about ST next time.

Whew

So we're home from vacation, and we avoided a medical crisis with MT and a traveling meltdown with LT. Whew. It's good to be home, but I will miss the maid service. We're all a bit out of sorts and tired, LT being the most tired of all. She is not sure what time zone she is in, but it's definitely not our time zone. MT is feeling much better. He saw our family doctor today and has to finish the antibiotics, but then should be fine. Thank goodness. Vacation was fun, but also tiring. As much as I *hate* to admit it, traveling with a toddler is just damn hard. Vacation is not like it used to be. MT and I were talking on the car ride back to LAX about traveling with young kids. Before we had LT, we were determined to travel with her. Nothing would stop our travels! She would learn to travel well and grow up with many wonderful experiences as we explored the world as a family. We'd expose to her different cultures and especially fabulous foods from an early age. Now that we have LT, well, now I understand why people eat at large chain restaurants and vacation at D*isney. Places like that just make it easy for families. They have children's menus, accommodate noisy kids, plenty of high chairs, safe places to run and of course large furry characters. The best restaurant meals we had on vacation were at unremarkable restaurants where the food was "chain style." No ambience, definitely not the finest ingredients, and everything came with a plate full of french fries. Now back to real life...

I Heart Vacation

So we're away on our fabulous very first (real) vacation as a family, enjoying MT's sabbatical. No pressure or expectations here, but this is supposed to be the greatest vacation ever. We get to go away for almost three weeks and enjoy being a family! (cue music and idyllic images of happy family frolicking on the beach) This past Wednesday MT starts to feel a little "funny," but we just chalked it up to mixing out of shape with lots of boogey-boarding. Dude rode the waves hard. On Thursday some mysterious spots show up on his leg. The same leg that was operated on a few years ago for a serious disease, and then two subsequent bouts of a certain bacterial infection. Both times it was the same nasty bacterial infection that required week-long hospital stays and gallons of IV antibiotics pumped in. One would think that was enough bad luck for one leg. Certainly there is no way that our luck could be bad enough that the infection would show up a third time?? No, it can't be, not on my vacation. But just in case, we checked out local hospitals, flights home and even local hotels. Just in case. Friday morning it becomes clear that this is the nasty infection. Again. So we head off to the local ER with LT in tow. It's great fun taking a toddler to the ER. So on top of worrying about MT, I get to chase her around and pull out all the stops to keep her entertained so she won't touch anything. Because hositals freak me out - people are really sick there you know. Turns out it is probably the same nasty infection, a year after the last bout. But this is a milder case. Lucky MT. They pumped in some IV antibiotics, wrote out a prescription and sent him on his way. So here we are with three days of vacation left, we're moving on to our final destination, and MT feels like crap. And I'm freaked out every time he complains of a new symptom (neck pain?? Quick, check the Internet, what does that mean? Do I need to call 911?). I think I'd like to just go home, but the earliest flight we can definitely get on is Monday morning, unless we pay the airline an exhorbitant sum of money. And poor MT is putting on such a brave face. Happy freakin' vacation.

The Intervention, It is Early - Part 1

Several of you asked about my experiences with EI, so I thought I'd back up and start from the beginning... When we brought LT home, she would not drink from a bottle. In the ten days we were with her in China, she never took a bottle from us. We tried all kinds of bottles, cups, nipples. formula types, temperature of formula, sugar in the formula, P*edial*yte, etc. She was not interested. She'd throw her head back, arch her back and cry when we put the nipple in her mouth. She didn't seem to know what to do with the nipple. We fed her yogurt, cereal and tons of fruit to keep her hydrated, and she ate and ate and ate. Oh, the child could eat! Overall LT was in pretty good health. Very small, but seemingly healthy other than an ear infection and cold*. So it was a mystery to us on how she had managed to thrive for 8.5 months in an orphanage. Surely she had been drinking something. We did manage to get a question to the Director of her orphanage, as after four days of no drinking, everyone was a bit concerned about her. The answer we got back from the Director was that she had been fed "with a cup and a spoon." Ok. So, for the next two months I spoon fed LT formula. I spoon fed her yogurt, pureed baby food, and cereal. All mixed into a runny concoction of food and formula. Meals took forever, but I was able to spoon feed between 6-12 ounces a day of formula in addition to plenty of food and yogurt. LT continued to eat a lot and gain weight, but would not drink. Meanwhile, I continued to offer a sippy cup with formula throughout the day. Again, all kinds of cups, types of formula, juice, temperature etc. I eventually found a cup that sans stopper would slowly run the liquid into her mouth. In this way LT would tolerate a few ounces of formula a day. It was a small victory. So, it was with this state of affairs that our pediatician recommended we contact EI. I pinned my hopes on the magical EI therapists at the time. Someone had to help me figure out why this child would not drink, and how to teach her to drink. Her ped certainly was stumped...and not altogether helpful. We had no idea if she couldn't or wouldn't drink. We scheduled her first evaluation at 10 months. I was thrilled and threw down the red carpet for the therapists. At last someone was going to help us! LT was evaluated by speech, physical and developmental therapists. I wanted to hug them as they marched into my living room. Help! was here! All of the therapists seemed very competent and thorough. I was thrilled and answered each and every question with great care. At one point in the evaluation, they asked to see LT eat. I quickly placed her in her highchair, dropped some Cheerios on the tray and grabbed a yogurt. And last second I grabbed a sippy cup and filled it with juice. LT grunted with delight and fumbled a few Cheerios into her mouth. She opened up wide for some yogurt. And she sucked down the juice. With gusto. You could have knocked me over with a feather. Huh? We had offered her juice before in desperate attempts to get her to drink. Why drink today? Why never drink for us, but drink in front of the therapists?? At the end of the evaluation, you can imagine my disappointment when they concluded that LT did not currently qualify for services. Well, except for a nutrition evaluation. And how was a nutritionist going to help me? By suggesting additional foods and liquids to spoon feed to LT?** All of the therapists agreed that they wanted to come back and see her again in two months since she seemed to be making such great strides in the two months she had been home. She was "on the cusp" of being delayed enough to qualify, and her delays seemed to be typical of institutionalized children. So we soldiered on. I continued to offer LT the sippy cup, and eventually something clicked and she would drink three ounces in a sitting. And then four ounces. And sometimes even six ounces. By twelve months she was drinking almost 18 ounces a day from a cup with no stopper, which was our target. Persistence paid off I suppose. And then one day shortly after her first birthday, we were at the park. I pulled out her afternoon sippy and forgot to take the stopper out of the lid. And LT drank it anyway. I checked it about four times myself (blech-formula tastes awful) and sure enough she was slowly *sucking* the liquid out of the cup. She had figured it out. By this point LT was doing well, but it was obvious that she had some delays. She was re-evaluated at thirteen months, and did end up qualifying for speech and occupational therapy. I think that the postive aspect of EI is that they come to your house and evaluate your child on her own "turf." I think this does help the therapists get a better picture of your child's abilities. The downside though is that they see behaviors for one afternoon. Kids do funny things some days (i.e. suck down a cup of juice like nobody's business) that are accounted for in the evaluation and are perhaps not a true picture of the situation. The other thing to keep in mind is that the EI standards to measure for delays are pretty tough. For example, our ped expects LT to say three to five words at eighteen months, but according to EI, LT should have upwards of fifty words. I know a lot of kids who would have qualified for EI services at that age who are now talking a blue streak. My last observation about the process is that the therapists are there to diagnose delays. So what do they do at an evaluation? Diagnose a delay! I'm taking our eval results with a grain of salt. I think LT is going to be fine, but of course I am pursuing the therapy she has been referred. I figure at this age there is no stigma - and it can't hurt. I think that covers the EI process to date. Any questions? In Part II, I'll talk about her diagnosis and therapy. *She couldn't sit by herself, lift her head up if she was on her stomache, etc., but we felt that these delays were typical post-institutionalization. **Although she was a very nice lady, she essentially provided me with ideas of additional foods to feed LT. I coulda read a baby cookbook for the same info.

My Eyes, My Eyes

I tried not to have too many expectations about this vacation, as LT is only 16 months old. I understand that not everyone thinks she is as cute as I do when we're in a restaurant and she is shrieking and pointing to my plate. I realize that business travelers on our flight perhaps don't want to hear yet another round of the Grand Old Duke of York. And I know that the childless condo neighbors aren't interested in hearing LT wailing at 6am. So, really, I scaled back my expectations. I remember telling MT that "we'll relax, go to the beach, eat in and watch the ocean. It'll be great!" And it is great, but it's hard. It's harder than I thought it would be to travel and vacation with a toddler. This morning we hopped out of bed when LT woke up, ate, and threw on swimsuits and sunscreen. We then piled the car full with the beach gear required to take a toddler to the beach. Chairs, umbrellas, towels, diapers, wipes, snack food, lunch food, drinks, sand toys, books, camera, video camera, sunscreen, hats, emergency change of clothes, kitchen sink. Two hours later we were on the road. We trekked down to a nearby beach that also has a playground. At the beach. A beach AND a playground. Sand, slides, swings, ocean - we thought LT would be in heaven. MT and I were pretty excited to have found this particular beach. One hour later we were back in the car, having evacuated the beach due to a medical emergency. As it turns out, the super-sensitive sunscreen that I used on LT stung her eyes to the point that she would not open them, and was crying and feeling around as if she was a blind baby. Oh, it was awful. I'd wipe her eyes off with a clean, cold washcloth (that MT had driven back to the condo to retrieve) and she'd immediately wipe her sandy, sunscreened hand over her eyes and cause further irritation. She wouldn't play- she just lay her head on my shoulder and moaned. At one point, desperate to help my poor baby, I poured water over her eyes from my water bottle. My ice cold bottle of water. I was successful in getting her to open her eyes, but only long enough to look at me in shock and horror. As if to say, "what the hell did you just do to me?" She then promptly closed her eyes again and rubbed a little sand in them for good measure. It was after this last error in judgement that we decided to pack up the gear and head back to the condo. LT's eyes were extremely red and puffy at this point and she was clinging desperately to her stuffed bear. We quickly bathed and changed her, and after a yogurt smoothie she was a new baby. Crisis averted. The rest of the day actually turned out to be a lot of fun. We just stayed here and went to the beach downstairs. No playground, but LT had a ball anyway.

Beach Bloggin'

We've been busy here at the T household: playing in the sandbox, swinging, swimming, learning how to walk, getting excited over June referrals, and most importantly, getting ready for vacation!! I'm happy to report that the T family made it safely to the West coast. We've been here for a few days, but just really got settled in to our beach condo today. We toured Santa Monica, Hollywood and Beverly Hills and then we drove south and we're set to relax on the beach for two weeks. Ahhhh, it is going to be heavenly, just heavenly. MT is at the store right now buying supplies, LT is drifting off to sleep (ok, so she's fussing off to sleep), and here I sit blogging away. And as soon as MT gets home, I will be blogging with a cold beer in hand. I feel so lucky to be here. It's our very first family vacation. If I may quote LT, "[shake with excitement, smile and ball fists up]." She doesn't say much, but she definitely communicates her feelings! And I am so excited to be able to take such a fabulous family vacation. One year ago this weekend we were on vacation as well - in Paris. MT and I were having one last fun trip before becoming parents, and LT was just a picture in my mind. How things have changed. Now that we're at the beach and we'll have our evenings free (unfortunately vacation doesn't make LT able to stay awake much past 8pm), I hope to be blogging a little bit more. If I'm not too busy reading, lounging, watching the sunset or playing S*crabble. A few things I'd like to cover: 1. Adoption #2. Oh, did I forget to mention that? Yes, we are planning on adopting again and have already completed the home study. 2. Traveling with children. Yes, it's hard. 3. My new role as full time mother. 4. My feelings towards LT's birth family and how they are changing. 5. Being a conspicuous family. 6. EI and related therapy. If you are particularly interested in one of the topics, do let me know. Otherwise, I'm in charge here and I'll just blog away as I see fit. Now, off to get that cold beer.

Don't Step on My Role

Generally I can't complain about my mother-in-law. She raised three lovely sons, and is a good person. Who lives three states away. Whew. The thing is, well, she *is* my mother-in-law. When I first started dating MT I was intimidated by her. And then when we got engaged, I adored her. After raising three sons she was delighted to finally have girls in her life. She devoted a lot of time and attention to me, and then also to MT's brothers' wives. She bought thoughtful gifts, sent cards, made special foods that we liked. All nice things, really. And then came infertility. MIL is a bit of a talker. One could call her a bit gossipy. She has no filter when it comes to sharing information. Information that is personal...like for instance, my son and daughter-in-law are trying to conceive/pregnant/infertile/doing the 19th round of ivf. This passing along of personal information as cocktail party small talk caused a rift between us. And in the end oftentimes put MT between his MIL and me. She would push for information, MT would cave, and then she'd share it with whomever she pleased. Not good. Fortunately MT's brother had a baby towards the end of our infertility journey, and it took much (ok, all) of the focus off of us and our never-ending struggle to become parents. As soon as my niece was born it became clear to me though that all of this energy that she had focused on her daughter-in-laws was now focused on grandchildren. And somehow this energy focus had doubled. Perhaps tripled. Her life has become these grandchildren. When we get together with MIL now it is apparent that unless you're part of the "under two" set- you are not interesting to her. She no longer speaks to us, she speaks through the grandchildren (see this post). She built a new house with a nursery and a playroom that would better accommodate the grandchildren. She subscribes to Parents Magazine. When we call her she talks about my niece (who she babysits four days a week). She is constantly buying clothes and toys for the girls. She sent out Christmas cards with a picture of my niece and LT on the front*. Perhaps you are now thinking, "ok T-shaped Girl, what is wrong with that? At least LT has a loving grandmother." The thing that gets to me about this situation is that she tends to overstep the boundaries of her role as grandmother. For example, I just received a package in the mail addressed to LT. Enclosed were some sweet gifts for LT from MIL's latest trip out West and also a gift and a card addressed to "Daddy" for Father's Day. From LT. This pisses me off. Perhaps I am being petty, but that's MY job! I've waited a long damn time for Father's Day and LT and I are going to pick out MT's card and gift. And we're going to plan the day. And enjoy the day. It's not her place to be buying the card and gift. Damnit. MIL needs a hobby. *I was pissed about the Christmas card because I hadn't yet mailed out our announcements. I had them printed and addressed, and she beat me to the punch and mailed her card first.

One-Upmanship

We've been busy over here at the T household. Summer is upon us, and the days are slipping by so quickly. LT will be 15 months old tomorrow. Where does the time go? On a happy note, the tests and endless doctor visits have finally come to an end. We were finally referred to a specialist at the best Children's Hospital around- and LT received a clean bill of health. As long as she continues to grow on a curve, she is finished with the doctors. After hearing the news we immediately celebrated with ice cream. Lots of ice cream. Today we were out and about in the neighborhood (after a playdate with these fabulous girls), and I was pushing LT along in her pink plastic car. Because every girl needs a pink car. We stopped to talk to a few friendly neighbors. One of the neighbors is a mom who is also adopting from China (LID January 2006). As we are chatting, another neighbor sauntered by with her son as they are walking home from school. This neighbor is the kind of woman who always has to one-up you. If I say we are grilling burgers for dinner, she talks about how they are having steaks prepared by a personal chef. If we ran through the sprinkler today, she comments on how she worked it out with God to make it rain a lovely warm summer shower for her boys to frolic in. You get the picture. So One-Up Mama comments on how big LT is getting, and how great she looks. She also comments on how good I look. I thankherverymuch because, yes, in fact I have lost weight. I joke about how motherhood doesn't give me time to eat, and how I also lost weight while we were in China because I was eating so many delicious vegetables, and I was so active, blah, blah, small talk, small talk. One-Up Mama proceeds to remind us all (again) about how she studied in China for six months, and that she lost about 25 pounds while she was there. Because the food was hooorrrrribbbllllle. Oh, so awful. Apparently, One-Up Mama was so thin when she got home that her mother wanted her examined to see if she had a tapeworm. Because (gasp) who knows what you can catch over there! In *that* country! Annnndddd, her roommate's mother wanted their suitcases and belongings fumigated. Because you know, who knows what they brought home from *that* country. As this conversation is going on I can feel my face redden. The only thought rattling through my head was "hey jackass One-Up Mama, my baby is from China. You shut up now." Fortunately I was able to gather my wits about me and I breezily said, "oh, it's really not such a bad place. We really enjoyed it. We had such delicious food and saw so many great sights." I tried to be breezy, yet firm. It was a small, yet pointed comment. One-Up Mama did a little back-tracking, and the poor pre-adoptive neighbor made some sweet comment in an effort to smooth things over. Something to the effect of "ha ha, I think my mother burned my luggage when I came home from college in Iowa..." Oh. My.

The Little Things

Today was one of those really, really good days. The kind of day that sneaks up on you when you least expect it, but need it most. We didn't do anything special, in fact, our only appointment for the day was cancelled and we accomplished very little. MT left at 5am this morning, and what began as a grumpy, cloudy day turned out to be a sunny day full of giggles and smiles. Since deciding to stay home full time with LT, I have felt like I have been evolving - becoming a mother, then a stay-at-home mother, and then finding my groove as a mother. I'm a happier, calmer person now, and I finally feel confident as LT's mother. Even with the inevitable sacrifices that have come into play by going from two paychecks to one paycheck - it is worth it. LT has helped me to slow down. Stop and smell the roses, if you will (forgive me for the cliche). I mean this in many ways. I literally move slower when I'm holding her hand and walking to the kitchen. And everything takes so looooong to do with a toddler. I have also slowed down enough to sometimes see the world through LT's eyes. Today we discovered the joy of strawberry cream cheese. I had forgotten how delicious something as simple as strawberry cream cheese can be! LT was in heaven at breakfast. And I will be smearing strawberry cream cheese on green beans moving forward. Before the sun popped out of the clouds this morning, we read approximately five books. 100 times each. But tickles and nibbles and cuddles make reading board books even more fun than sitting down with a scintillating new novel. After the sun came out, we walked (*I* walked) around the block in LT's new pushcar. She smiled. She laughed. She waved to the neighbors. She held her arms straight out in pure glee as if to say "look Ma, no hands!" We did laps around the block, and everytime I stopped LT would sign "more, more, more." We looked at flowers and trees. Bathtime tonight was extra splashy. For some reason it was really funny when I poured water down her back. 50 times. And even funnier when I sang a silly song about pajamas, and then zipped up her sleeper with a funny sound. Again, and again and again. LT kept signing "more, more, more" funny zipper sound! Bedtime books were extra cuddly. We read "Mommy Hugs" four times, and "Pajama Time" only three times. Each rendition was funnier than the last. And then with a sweet kiss and a small cry of protest, LT was off to sleep. See what I mean? We didn't do much of anything today. But what a sweet day. Happy six months home LT!

It's Our Day

Happy Mother's Day! Happy day to all of the moms and moms-to-be. It's a special, special day. As I lounged in bed this morning (note that I lounged. I haven't lounged in bed for MONTHS! I *lounged* until almost 10am!! 10am!!!), I reflected on this day and what it has meant to me in the past. I couldn't help it. I was listening to MT give LT a bath and the sound of her laughter and of the silly songs he was singing just made me feel very reflective. For the past five years, this day has been a source of hope, pain and then cautious hope again. When we first started to try to conceive, I felt hopeful on Mother's Day. Next year we'll be celebrating! Of course next year will be *my* year! My second Mother's Day, after the quest to have children began, was not so hopeful. I was panicked. Perhaps a little bit in denial. We had started infertility treatment and were about to embark on ivf that summer. I entered into what I now like to call "the dark days." My third Mother's Day post-ttc is a blur. I believe I spent the day in bed. Or close to bed. Perhaps on the couch. Or drunk. Who knows. It was a day that I wanted to avoid like the plague. I think MT fed me booze to keep me sane...or maybe to keep himself sane. On my fourth Mother's Day post-ttc, we had suffered at least two of our pregnancy losses. I was just starting to get fed up with my infertility and grasping at anything that could help me begin the long road to healing. I decided to celebrate what I did have at that time. No kids - but a loving mother and mother-in-law. MT and I invited both of them to stay with us for the weekend and enjoy an urban weekend of shopping and dining out. At least I felt a little in control. Sad, but a little in control. Last year I decided to embrace this idea again, and we invited my mom and mother-in-law to stay with us. This time we were fresh off of my mother's battle with breast cancer. She had stubbly hair that was growing back in, and I was grateful to still have a mother. MT and I ran in a breast cancer 5k in her honor, and she walked a full mile. I remember feeling full of hope, cautious hope, that the next Mother's Day would be different. And here we are. Six holidays later. I am a mom. And although I feel like a queen today, I'm not just thinking about myself. This is a day I share with another woman: LT's birthmother. She has been on my mind all day today. This morning I was honored with cards, presents, kisses and a fabulous brunch. I feel so loved, and I am so full of love. And so damn lucky. This evening we are going to honor the other mother in our family. We're going to head out to Chinatown and eat some dumplings for dinner. This will be about honoring LT's birthmother. I wish I could tell her how grateful I am.

To the Beach!

Remember a when I posted about MT's sabbatical? Well, we have finally decided on a destination. Southern California- here we come! We get to spend 2.5 weeks on the beach. Relaxing, eating, playing. Being a family. How lucky am I??

I'm Tired

It's been a rough week. I miss MT. He has been gone since 5am Monday morning, and won't be home until tomorrow night. I'm counting the minutes. I mean, it's been great to spend so much time with LT. But, um, I'm tired. And she has been sick with a cold this week, and quite the grump I might add. On top of this we have out of town guests coming this weekend (after traveling last weekend and having guests here the weekend before). I just cleaned two bathrooms and I'm folding a mountain of laundry. My life, it is not glamorous. I've been a little off all day - I think the single parenting is wearing on me. I dropped LT off at a friend's place this morning, and then hopped in a cab to go to a doctor's appointment. LT has never stayed with this friend before and I was a little nervous about it. I was hoping that she'd be okay and not freak out the friend (who SO kindly offered to babysit!!)*. I was also running late. When the cab pulled up to the doctor's office, I pulled out my wallet and quickly handed one crisp bill to the cabbie. I eyeballed the meter, and did the math to calculate a tip. I opened the car door and waited for the cabbie to thumb through his roll of bills to give me change. Somewhere along the way my brain short circuited, and I went into autopilot. I was late and I needed to get out of the cab and into the doctor's office. I told the cabbie to keep the change, and ran out of the cab towards the office. I remember thinking to myself, "eh, he was an efficient cab driver, he deserves a nice tip." As I was waiting for the elevator I suddenly realized that I hadn't handed the driver a $10 bill. I gave him a $20 bill. To pay for a $6 cab ride. So yes, I gave him a big tip. A much bigger tip than I meant to. Oh well, I hope that it made his day. *Unfortunately LT did freak out on kind and generous friend and cried for 30 minutes after I left. Oh the guilt.

Dude. I Know Her Nose Is Running

Sorry for the long hiatus (again). If anyone is still out there reading...well, I'm sorry. I've been busy and generally uninspired lately. Our entire family descended upon us for LT's christening a few weekends ago, and then we traveled away for another family event the following weekend. Put this on top of MT traveling Monday through Friday for the past month (did you get that? I'm *alone* with LT for days on end)...and I'm tired. Anyway, I know people mean well when they see LT with snot running down her nose. They must think I don't see it, or perhaps that I'm a lousy mother, and they hand me a tissue. This happened three times today. A lady in the bagel shop, a friendly nurse at the hospital, and the checkout guy at the grocery store. Each time they were handing me a tissue approximately 1.2 seconds after I have already wiped her nose. Dude. I know her nose is running!!! She has a cold. Her nose is dripping like a faucet. I wipe it every 5 minutes it seems. And each time she turns her head, yells, screams and cries in protest. In LT's world I have become Public Enemy #1, the Lady with the Damn Kleenex. Can't we just let her nose run for a little bit? She clearly doesn't mind a little snot on her face. Wouldn't we all be a little happier? Wouldn't the world be a better place if we just let the snot flow freely??

Huh. Time Does Heal Wounds...

I received a phone call last week from a friend. She was in tears after learning that she may never carry another pregnancy. This friend has a delightful 22-month old daughter who happened to BEAT a battle with cancer in the first few weeks of her short life. Yeah, this friend hasn't had it easy. We decided to go for a burger and a beer (yay! I was in a bar! Alone! Drinking a beer! Wearing a clean shirt with no snot!) and talk about what was going on. She had a lot of questions for me. As I sat there and listened, I suddenly found it hard to relate. It was a bizarre feeling. This friend had called me because to her, I represent infertility. And not just infertility, infertility gone bad. I'm the person on the wrong side of the odds. But the feelings she was expressing, well, they seemed, um, almost silly. Ok, ok, stop throwing things at me. She has every right to grieve and mourn the loss of her fertility and the opportunity to have a biological sibling for her son. I am not minimizing her feelings or struggle at all. But when she was saying things like, "did you feel like you were not whole? Or not a real woman?" or "I told my husband to just leave me and find someone with a functioning uterus," it sounded kinda silly to me. But here's the thing...I remember expressing similar sentiments* in the midst of my own battle with infertility. Oh my, did I sit myself down on my couch and eat cookies, drink wine and cry about being "defective" and a "freak of nature." I told MT to leave me. I gained twenty pounds muttering these phrases. Looking back on this now, it seems like a LIFETIME ago. I really had to work hard through the course of the conversation to remind myself of how I felt in those dark pre-adoption days. I want to help my friend, but it was hard to take myself back to that sad place. I feel like a different person now, and it makes me sad to think about the person I was, and all of that time we wasted in pursuit of a biological child. My greatest desire was to be pregnant. I wanted to be pregnant more than anything. Now I can't quite recall why it mattered so much to me. Even feeling this way though, I still don't think we could have taken a different journey to get to our decision to adopt. We had to take that path, do a certain number of treatment cycles, survive three pregnancy losses and endless doctor visits. People told me that I'd be okay, I'd survive, and that I'd even be happy again one day. I couldn't/wouldn't believe them, until I was ready to listen. When I sat down to write this, I thought I'd end up concluding something about my "only regret" being that we could have gotten here faster, wasted less time, moved on earlier, etc. And I am sad about the time that was wasted. But I don't think I have any regrets. I wish I hadn't been subjected to the emotional trauma and grief of infertility, but if I hadn't...LT would not be my daughter. It's still a tough concept for me to reconcile. *To my credit I never said anything about not being a "whole woman" though because that really does sound silly. I don't get that comment.

The Rules

Our recent experiences with intrusive questions have really stirred up some discussions in the T household. MT and I have discussed the events of that night, and each made our points. MT did pose a question to me that stumped me, and I've been mulling on this one. As we talked about the people and questions we have encountered so far about our little family, MT asked, "who is it okay to talk to about this? Why is it okay to talk to one person, and not another?" In a sense, he was asking, "what are the rules here?" To him it seemed like I am only willing to speak to people who are versed in adoption, who know the right language and acceptable questions. MT's question really stopped me. Um, hmm. I don't know. Because when the neighbor's friend who has three children through adoption asked me about LT, I happily chatted away about the experience. And I also spoke to the mother in the lobby of the doctor's office who had three children adopted from Guatemala. So what makes these people okay? Is there some sort of litmus test for opening up about our adoption journey? I wish that there was a test. Or (as a friend of mine suggested), a flow chart of sorts that could help us determine who to answer, who to politely shrug off, and who to snark off. This way we'd both always be on the same page about a person or situation. Unfortunately people and situations don't fit nicely into boxes on the page. You can't quantify a gut feeling. So I suppose that's rule #1. I have to trust my gut. It feels intrusive and inappropriate to be asked a personal question about LT that is shouted out across a crowded restaurant. Without thinking about it, I felt like I needed to protect LT. It feels okay when a smiling neighbor (whose son I had already met) asks me when LT came home, and about her adoption. Rule #2: the rules will change. As we practice our replies, and learn what feels comfortable, we may change our minds about this. And most importantly, when LT is old enough to understand what is being said, the rules will change again. Okay, so that brings us to Rule #3: there really are no rules here. Just our family...trying to be our family.

The Longest Day

We had to take LT to the hospital this morning for some further testing. I have been holding the idea that something could be wrong with her at arm's length. If I don't think about it, it will surely go away, yes? I mean, how could anything be wrong with my bright-eyed, smiley girl? The day started with an ultrasound. I thought this would be a simple procedure. After pinning her down to the table for an hour, I cried "uncle" and begged the radiologist to please hurry up and finish. Turns out that body-shaking-sobs make it difficult to get accurate measurements. It was awful. Just awful. Poor LT was terrified and wailed for an hour and fifteen minutes. MT and I took turns pinning down different parts of her body and singing to her to calm her a bit. We sang our hearts out. Your mind starts to wander though when you are watching the doctor look again, and again, and again at the pictures of your daughter's organs. I started to wonder what could be wrong. What if she is really sick. At that moment I was in charge of singing, and my voice cracked a bit. I started to cry right along with LT. I couldn't help it. When the ultrasound was finally finished (and again, who knew that an ultrasound would last SO long and be SO traumatic???), we had to move along for the next round of poking and prodding. LT is smart enough to understand when something is going to happen now. When we strip her down to her diaper and set her on a table covered with crinkly paper- she knows that it is not playtime. She then had to endure two more hours of medical intervention. Weight, height, physical exam, and blood pressure all all result in screams of terror. My stomache turns when I think about the frightened look on her face when a doctor or nurse entered the room. And just when I thought it couldn't get any worse...it was time for another blood draw. This time it took two sticks in her right arm, and one stick in her left arm to draw the blood needed for testing. LT screamed and sweated and tried with all her might to wiggle away from that doctor and into my arms. I tried to placate her with more songs, but this time I heartily agreed with her screams. This sucked. When we finally got home today I swear I heard LT sigh with relief. MT ended up taking the afternoon off from work - "to give her extra hugs." LT played, crawled, pulled up, smiled, laughed, ripped a page out of my new magazine, pulled the power cord out of MT's laptop, ate a huge dinner, splashed in the bath, cuddled up for her bedtime books, and seemed oblivious to the terror of the morning. Thank goodness. Me, on the other hand, I don't think I'll ever be the same.

That Didn't Go Well

MT, LT and I went out to dinner tonight. We ate at a local Irish pub/restaurant, that is a family kinda joint. It's loud, lively and the tables are close together in a cozy sort of way. We were having a rushed dinner though as LT seems to be getting sick, refused to eat, and we were quickly nearing the end of our restaurant window. MT paid the check and as we were packing up, a woman at the table on my left (sitting *right* next to me) grabbed my arm and said, "your daughter is beautiful!" I thanked her, and she asked her age and then commented on how well behaved she was during dinner. I thanked again. I started to put LT's coat on, and an older lady (think smoker with beauty parlor done-up hair) at the table to my right yelled across her table something to the effect that LT is a cutie. I thanked again. The lady then asked her name, and I replied. All very pleasant. Then it happened. She took it a step further and asked, "where is LT from?" And before I knew what I was saying, I replied. "Parktown." (the name of my town) It was out of my mouth before I even thought about what I was saying. Looking back, LT was blowing snot bubbles out of her nose, had not eaten a bite of dinner and was nearing meltdown. I wanted to get out of there. In that same moment though, I was also wondering why she was asking...what was her motivation? And why is it any of her damn business where LT is from? If LT's face looked like ours, the conversation would have ended already with the exchange of her name. Why did this woman think that it was her right to go further just because LT does not look like us? The lady gave a smile and nod, but it was now a very awkward moment, and MT began to fumble with the booster seat, was clearly pissed off and trying his best to get the hell out of there. He mumbled under his breath to me, "now why'd you have to say that? Did you need to be a smart ass?" I hadn't intended to be a smart ass. Really, mean it. The lady then yelled (keep in mind this exchange is happening across a table in earshot of three other tables), "Oh, well, the reason I ask is that my boss adopted two kids from Karackastan*." Oh. Yeah. Uh-huh. I smiled, nodded, gave her a "wow that's great,"and we (thankfully) left. I apologized to MT. But said that I don't think my answer was necessarily wrong. It wasn't the best answer. In retrospect, a very friendly, "oh why do you ask?" probably would have been a better reply. I could have quickly determined her motivations and then handled accordingly. I've been stewing about this since getting home tonight. I'm relieved that LT is too little to understand any of this, because I have to get my shit together. I have to have a better game face I suppose. MT's take on it is that she was a nice, albeit rough around the edges, woman and that I was looking for a confrontation. I still stick by my stance that it's really none of her business. I had another encounter earlier this week at the museum. I was with another mom from our adoption travel group, and her two daughters (both adopted from China). A woman asked of LT and my friend's youngest daughter, "are they sisters? I mean true sisters?" The girls look nothing alike, other than being the only Asians in the room. I fumbled, stunned. My friend said, "no, they're cousins." And then we went on to have a very friendly exchange with this woman about another topic altogether. This resolution was okay with my friend, but I was unsettled. The stranger left the encounter thinking that her question was okay to ask in the first place. I do realize that how I react to these inane questions can guide the rest of the encounter. But is it my job to educate? Do I need to be polite when people are asking polite questions that are based on misinformation or ignorance? I need to work on this and get my act together. I feel awful about how I handled this - like a real jackass. What is most important here is how LT is going to feel about all of this. How do I handle these encounters and still leave her feeling proud of her skin and of adoption? *Yeah, I don't know where it is either.

The Worry

I'm on my own with LT this week for the first time since coming home last November. Yep, it's 24/7 Mommy and LT this week. MT travels for his job, but has been fortunate to be assigned to local clients since coming home. But the good fortune has ended, and he left Monday morning for somewhere in middle America. My plans for yesterday (to get OUT of the house for the love of god) were unfortunately cancelled (sick babes), and my Internet access was down for most of the day. Oh.my.god. I nearly panicked. I have already been out of the house this morning (to vote), and have a playdate with a friend. Oh how I crave adult conversation! Now on to other worries. Since LT has been home, we've had a variety of "issues" crop up with her. Run of the mill parenting issues I suppose - with sleep, eating, drinking, development, health, etc. And we have had to deal with some issues that are specific to being institutionalized for 8.5 months of her life. For example, spoon feeding her formula for her first month home since she could not/would not drink. As we deal with these issues, the first question that seems to pop up is, "is this an issue because she was institutionalized and adopted?" At first I accepted this. She had only been home a short time and was working on getting used to her new life. Now I wonder when I will stop asking this question. Will I ever stop asking this question?? We're still debating sleep training over here (I know, I know, we need to make freakin' decision already) and the only thing holding us back is the question of a secure attachment. She's also not babbling as she should and we'll most likely be starting speech therapy. These are issues that seem to be related to her coming in to our family via adoption. But LT is also experiencing some fierce stranger and separation anxiety. Oh the look of terror on her face in new situations just breaks my heart. I wonder, is this part of her personality? She is a cautious girl. A phase due to her age? Or the golden question, is it related to her being adopted (i.e. anxious attachment)? And then some days I think we overthink the whole parenting thing. Maybe I have too much time on my hands. One thing I do know for sure now is that most parents really don't know what they're doing...we're all just faking it and trying to do what we think is the best thing for our children.

Bloggy Meet-up

I had my first real-life bloggy meet-up today. I'm happy to report back that C-Mama is not a 50-year old man with an "interest" in slightly neurotic mothers of Asian children. And she's not "in cahoots" with Mr. C-Mama, running some sort of p*orn operation from her home. Quite the opposite- she is a fabulous hostess (three kinds of cheese were served) and damn funny. On top of meeting her, I had the honor of meeting Z. and V. I'm not sure how much I should say about them, but I will say that Z. does have a great sense of humor, and a funny, funny laugh! And it only gets better. There was a *menu* for our luncheon. A *menu* people! I'm having a hard time remembering the last time I had much more for lunch than the droppings from LT's high chair tray. C-Mama waited on me and served me homemade cookies. Yes, the mother of three children waited on me. I almost feel a little guilty. Anyway, I'm sure that I stayed too long, but I had a fabulous time. You people should have filled out the application when you had the chance.

A Little of This, A Pinch of That

I have so many topics I'd like to write about, and so little computer time these days. So I'm just going to do the dreaded list because LT is *finally* asleep, I'm short on time, and, well, it's the best I can do today. 1. LT had to have another blood draw on Monday. It sucked. They couldn't get the blood from her right arm, so we then had to flip her over and try the left arm. Twenty minutes later we had five vials of blood and one hysterical child. 2. When she is hysterical she is somewhat calmed if we sing to her. Why can I only remember the words to "Silent Night" at these moments? I finally squeaked out a few rounds of Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star and tried desperately to get the tune of Silent Night out of my head. 3. Why is it that LT is so calmed by Silent Night? 4. Did you know that Silent Night has 72 verses? My personal favorite is the one that goes: Silent Night, Holy Night Please be calm and go to sleep Please please please go to sleep now I'll give you candy for breakfast tomorrow If you sleep sleep sleep right now, go to sleep right now 5. Why does a man with NO communication skills choose to work as a physician? In particular dealing with children and scared parents?? We did go back to Dr. NoBedsideManner. It was the most awkward appointment ever. He made no eye contact and is just completely socially awkward. The icing on the cake was when he proceeded to scold the nurse assisting him...while we were right there in the room. 6. On a brighter note, we have a shiny new pedicatrician and an appointment lined up with a fabulous new specialist. So Dr. NoBedsideManner is history. I love the new pediatrician, although I really should have borrowed Figlet's stroller for the appointment. When I walked into the waiting room the stroller brigade was lined up by the door, and I was slumming with my M*aclaren T*echno XT. 7. Getting LT to sleep continues to be a struggle, and is in fact getting worse. I'm snuggling up with P*antley, F*erber, W*eissbluth, K*arp and a few others in bed tonight. I figure I'll read everything and then just continue to comfort her to sleep. Ahem. Actually, we are seriously considering some sort of sleep training. Please don't judge me. 8. I think I am suffering through a mild identity crisis. Don't get me wrong, I love being home with LT, and do realize how lucky I am to be doing this. But, well, I think I need to make a little "me" time and figure out what's next for me. I'll stew on this one a bit, and will come back to it... That's it, I'm outta material for today. This is a pititful excuse for a blog entry today, but it's all I've got. Now off to sleep, er, read about sleep.

You Talkin' to Me?

My mother-in-law visited this weekend. It was LT's first birthday after all. Our family lives in another state, so family visits require a flight or a long car drive, and then family generally stays with us. This can make for long visits as we all line up at the bathroom door for showers, or short visits if we keep everyone busy, busy, busy, tire them out! I should say that MIL is a very sweet woman. Really, she's great. (in small doses) The sole focus of her life is her grandchildren...but to the point that unless you're part of the under two set you really don't count. She also has a habit of talking *through* LT. So for example, instead of asking me what LT is going to wear to her birthday party, she puts on her best sing-song voice and asks LT, "what pretty ting is LT going to wear to her party?" Or instead of asking MT where we purchased her birthday crown she looks at LT and sings a "oooohhhh LT, where do you buy your pretty wittle birthday crown?" Oh.my.god. Give me another glass of wine. After 48 hours of this indirect questioning, I broke. I couldn't take another minute of this. We went out to breakfast this morning before MIL's flight home. (And MIL paid the bill AGAIN, oh the guilt that I am b*t@&(*^ about her to the Internet.) She cooed at LT, "so what does LT have planned for this week?" I didn't answer. I continued to look at LT expectantly. I mean she asked LT the question, I assumed she was waiting for LT to answer. Ahem. MT finally broke the awkward silence with a laugh and a "Ha ha. Are you talking to us Mom?" And I laughed and said, "well, if you're talking to me then we going to the library on Tuesday, music class on Thursday, blah, blah, blah..." I doubt MIL got the "hint," but I just could not resist.

Sleep, Oh Sleep

Before becoming a parent I had some ideas about sleep, and how it would all change. I thought I would suffer from lack of sleep. I was more afraid of this than anything...really. Because oh how I love my sleep. And we have had our bad nights with LT - the jet lag, three colds, two rounds of shots and a few assorted bad dreams have kept us up overnight in the past several months. What I didn't know was that getting LT to sleep would become such a major part of my life, and such a source of self-doubt and worry for me. Today I spent approximately 25% of my waking hours trying to get LT to sleep, or trying to keep her asleep. It was not a particularly good day for us here. I'll be honest...she pushed me to my limits today. Once LT is asleep, she generally sleeps through the night, or takes a decent nap, except when she is sick. Or has the occasional bad dream. But the "getting to sleep" part of things is where we have the problem. When we met her in China, getting her to sleep was relatively easy. She was exhausted a lot at first and would cry, I'd rock or pat her, she'd sleep. We put bonding first and focused on establishing a trusting relationship with her. We didn't worry about setting bad habits or patterns. We just tried to comfort her. When we got home we stayed on course with our focus on bonding, but established a routine. Bedtime is like "Groundhog Day" around here. Same routine every night. Music, hug Daddy, read two books, close the curtains, hug and kiss and then into the crib. I pat or rub her belly until she is calm enough to sleep or is asleep. This was working for us. And I felt ok with it because I was able to comfort LT. But now going to sleep is becoming a battle (especially naps). When she doesn't want to sleep this can become a game. She wants to play, grab my hands, smile at me, laugh, cry. And then here is where the self-doubt creeps in. I don't want to leave her to cry. I just don't think it's the right thing to do. She spent the first 8.5 months of her life in an orphanage, and only 3.5 months with us...she has never had love and comfort like this. I want her to trust, and to feel secure. How can she feel secure if I leave her to cry in anguish in her crib? And she does cry if we leave her. Great big sobs and tears. She stands at the foot of the bed and wails at the closed door until we return. Oh the heartbreak. I never imagined that this would be so difficult. I remember thinking that parents who couldn't leave their kids to cry a little were just plain silly. I thought no way would I put up with such nonsense. Now here I am, struggling with the very issue I swore would *not* be my issue. And I'll be honest, I'm embarrassed. I get frustrated with LT, and I wish I could summon more patience. But on days like today - I just can't. This is hard. How do you find the patience to deal with the frustrating parts of parenthood?

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday LT! I feel so lucky to be celebrating this milestone with you. I expected you to be one year old when we met you, but you were only 8.5 months old. I truly cherish the past 3.5 months together. I love you. .................................................................... When MT and I awoke this morning, we were as excited as kids on Christmas. We both went in to LT's room to get her when she woke up - so we could both wish her a happy birthday. Her first birthday. We got back into our bed together to read some books, and I reflected back on where all three of us were a year ago today. I was passing the time at work, looking forward to that evening. We had a meeting at our agency to meet our travel group families for the first time. I took and early train from work, MT picked me up at the train station and we head off to meet eight wonderful families who have become a very important part of our lives. LT was not real to me then. She was a fuzzy image, a girl somewhere in China who would be our daughter...I hoped. Somewhere in China, LT's birthmother was in labor, giving birth. I don't know. I don't know the situation or the circumstances of her arrival into the world. I'm grateful to this woman. I wish I knew more about her. A few days later LT was found and taken to her orphanage. I don't want to romaticize the events that unfolded, but I am so grateful to the people who made sure that she was ok in that time. I hope somehow they can know that she is ok - more than ok - she is healthy, smart, beautiful and *loved.*

Reader Input Required

Thanks to my fine readers (all nine! of you), who commented on my post about leaving LT for the weekend. We stuck to our guns and told the family today that we are staying home, but thanks for asking! It was a relief. I have no doubt that it is the right decision for us. On to better news, it dawned on MT yesterday that June is the seven year anniversary at his current company. This means that he is eligible to take a sabbatical. Yep, that means one month paid. Off. No work. Yippeeeeee! As we are discussing this, the possibilities start to race through my mind. A European adventure...lounging on the beaches of Greece...exploring the markets in Bangkok...relaxing in a remote island in the South Pacific...and then I noticed that I had LT's snot all over my right sleeve. And smiled. Ok, so we're living on one income now. And LT has changed our lifestyle. Perhaps my ideas of how to spend this sabbatical time need to change a little. I do want to travel. But I also need to be practical as budget will also drive this decision. In my mind though I am picturing us on a beach somewhere, walking to the grocery store or the local seafood shack. We're playing in the sand, MT and I are drinking a beer after LT is asleep. MT's version of "sabbatical vision" is quite a bit different than mine...I think it involves house painting. Blech. So here is where I need your help fine readers. I need some fresh ideas. If you had one month off, a shoestring budget* and a toddler - what would you do?? *We also have airline miles, and some hotel points.

Pressure

We have been getting a lot of pressure recently from MT's family to take a trip with them. Not a family vacation - a "leave the kids at home" weekend in Vegas. In April. MT has two great brothers, and I in turn have two great sisters-in-law. In the past we have traveled together often, and had many "wild" nights out. MT adores his brothers and I have been fully supportive of family time. And both couples have been fully supportive of our loooooong journey to parenthood. So why the pressure to leave LT? And am I abnormal, crazy, nutty for not wanting to leave her? We have been home for only three months. We have left LT with a sitter on three occasions - twice with family, and once with a hired sitter. She didn't do particularly well any of the times. She refused to eat dinner and cried much of the night. We really enjoyed the time away, but frankly, we're also having a ball with LT. We like being a family. We like to sit with her and read books before bedtime. Or play with the couch pillows before dinner. A night off is one thing, a plane trip away is a different ballgame. I have such mixed emotions about taking a "real" trip away from LT. I feel like a getaway (especially to somewhere warm) would be fabulous, but I'm not seeking a vacation from LT. I *would* enjoy a vacation from the tasks associated with taking care of LT - the cleaning, the laundry, the cooking. Let someone else take care of that for a few days. Also playing into this decision is the fact that LT is going through quite a phase of separation anxiety these days. She wails when we are in an unfamiliar place and we walk away from her. She also wails when a friend or family member is at our house and we walk away. She wails if she can't see me or MT across the room. Or comes and crawls to find us with a big grin on her face. I recognize that this is a phase, so why would I want to cause LT such anxiety? The last issue is who would care for LT in our absence. My mother-in-law has offered to watch her, but this involves insane logistics as we'd have to drive four hours out of our way, and hour to another airport, and then fly out. And then reverse this on the way home. Not to mention, my MIL has a medical condition...and I'm uneasy with leaving LT with her for an extended period of time. Ok, bottom line here: I don't want to leave her for an entire weekend. I'm not ready. I don't think she's ready. Am I wrong? Why can't we all just go out to dinner??

Some News

After much doctor stalking (ahem, four phone calls today), we got some of the lab results back this afternoon. The serious diagnosis that Dr. NoBedsideManner dropped on us is a no-go. LT does not have it! We celebrated with steamed carrots AND peas at dinner, and then off to swimming lesssons. LT was in heaven. We're not totally out of the woods yet, as we will get the remaining test results on Thursday. There could still be some issues, and there are a few areas of concern. But here is the bottom line for me: LT acts ok, looks ok and her development has exploded since coming home. I'm really going to try to put this in the back of my mind until Thursday. Really. I just want to enjoy her sweet, sweet smile. I have had sleepless nights since the doctor appointment last Friday. I knew that parenting would be hard, but I don't think I realized just how much I would hurt when she hurts. Or just how much I could worry about her. And let's face it, this is just the beginning.

No News is No News

No test results yet. Not only does this doctor have horrible communication skills, but apparently he also has the slowest lab in the world. Fabulous. Since the appointment on Friday I have been researching like crazy to find a new specialist. LT is going to see the best in the city. Friday's appointment left us anxious, confused, upset, and frankly, blind-sided by the diagnosis tossed lightly out into the room as we were packing up our coats and leaving. Yes, that casually. Also, as we sat down to meet the doctor I didn't get a great first impression...to put it lightly. He proceeded with a history on LT and asked the common questions such as allergies, illnesses etc. Then he looked at me and asked me my age. And then my height. And then MT's age and height. At this point I realized where he was heading, and interrupted to inform him that although it was nice that he was interested, a family history was probably not necessary since she came into our family through adoption. His reaction: "oooohhhhh, adooopppption." Idiot.

My Dream

When we started down the path to become parents, I dreamt of a baby that looked like a little of me, and a little of MT (Mr. T). Perhaps she'd have my red hair, or MT's athletic ability. But my child was a boy, or maybe a girl, with a fuzzy face but with fair skin and a hearty laugh. A healthy child. Once we realized that a biological child wasn't in the cards for us, I dreamt of a child. Any child. Perhaps a boy with dark skin and black eyes. Maybe a girl with blonde hair. Who knows what his or her personality would be like, but it'd sure be fun to discover. I opened my mind to the possibilities of any child, any healthy child. When we decided to adopt from China, the dream changed. It was a girl, definitely a girl. She had mysterious black eyes and shiny black hair. And a sweet smile. And I couldn't wait to meet her. When we received our referral photos I dreamed of the tiny, sweet baby looking so serious in those pictures. I wondered if her life was as difficult as her expression in those photos suggested. I hoped that she was okay, and that we'd be able to put a smile on that face. And according to her paperwork, she was healthy. Now I dream of her toothy grin, and funny laugh. When I wake up in the middle of the night worrying about money, or my mom's health, or my brother's job search, or worry du jour, I picture the smile and try to recall her laugh. I dream about the chubby legs, perfect lips and pink cheeks of my healthy baby. Yesterday we visited a specialist regarding some of LT's test results that were "a little abnormal." It was the most frightening experience of my life. I went in unprepared, as our pediatrician had downplayed the test results and reassured us that it was "probably nothing, but let's have the specialist tell you that." I'm feeling like a horrible mother, and like I let LT down. Well, turns out it could be something. Something serious. Or it still could be nothing. But the possibility that LT could have a serious issue is well, just horrible, dreadful, awful. This isn't what I dreamed. Oh sure, I was one of those pre-adoptive parents who said that "we'd deal with whatever issues she might have, or handle any special need that she faced." But now that I *know* LT and know how sweet, funny, smart and beautiful she is - I don't want to handle a special need. I want her to be okay. I want her to be healthy and continue to grow and develop. We get the test results on Monday. This promises to be a long weekend.

Finally, A Family of Three

I hate to spoil the ending (you know how it ends anyway), but I find it quite ironic that I am writing this posts, of all posts, as my daughter is currently standing in her crib. Not napping. And let's be clear, she needs a nap. And I *need* her to nap. So perhaps it is a good thing that I am thinking back to the day that we met her and remembering the feelings of anxiousness and excitement. Monday, November 14, 2005 (written before leaving to meet LT) It is 7am and I wanted to type a quick note. We are getting ready to go and meet our daughter. I can't believe that this morning is finally here. It is a rainy and humid morning in Changsha. I wonder where she is now. Perhaps she is on a bus heading from her town into the city. Maybe she is in Changsha already. The one thing we know for certain is that last night is the very last night she had to spend in her orphanage. This is still such a surreal feeling. We're in a hotel in a "small" town in China, about to meet our daughter. We're about to realize a dream five years in the making. The losses, the infertility, the struggle to build our family has come to this moment. Oh.my.god. Can someone pinch me please? Thank you again to our friends and family for supporting us. It's been a long journey to this point and I can't believe we are finally here. Monday, November 14, 2005 (written the day after meeting LT) Yesterday was the most amazing, wonderful and scary day of my life! I have to write all of this down now, as I think I have forgotten some of it already. We met our Travel Group families at breakfast around 8am. Across the room was a group of families (from some other agency) who had met their babies five days earlier. It brought out the waterworks in all of us! I didn't realize how on edge I was at that point. Mr. T and I were nervous, excited and scared. And relieved to be *finally* meeting our daughter. We boarded the bus at 9:25am, and drove about 15 minutes to the Civil Affairs office. The rest of the morning is best described as controlled chaos. We were ushered to the third floor, and sat in a room filled with benches. The babies from Orphanage A were brought in first, and they put the Orphanage B families in the room next door. We all gathered at the doorway and watched the Orphange A Families meet their babies for the first time. It was surreal...and loud. Lots of crying babies! All five of the babies are beautiful. It all happened so fast that it is almost hard to believe. One moment the parents are standing there with empty arms, and a minute later they are holding a confused baby. The babies from Orphanage B were brought into the room next. They were all dressed in matching outfits. The nannies sat on a bench and were holding the babies in a row, and we all peered through from the room next door and tried to pick out our babies. Mr. T pointed to the little one with the lower lip sticking out in a pout, and we knew it was our little girl. At that moment we were instructed to go and get our passports and our travel approvals. I felt like I was all thumbs at that point, trying to get to the documentation that was perfectly color-coded and organized...but suddenly I couldn't find anything I needed. Somehow I managed to get the documents and run back to the door to continue to peer at our girl from across the room. Mr. T meanwhile had the video camera rolling. And then it was time. Family One met their baby first. It was amazing to watch them (and the rest of the families) meet their daughter for the very first time. From this moment on it is a blur. They came to the door with the next baby and said "[her Chinese name]." I jumped, grabbed our paperwork and ran over. I think Mr. T has it all on film. I think she might have been sleeping right before they handed her off to us. She was very quiet. They handed her to me- and it was like heaven. She felt so warm and soft. She is a tiny little peanut - definitely the smallest baby in the group. I just held her and hugged her. She just kind of sat there, and took things in. We went and sat down to look at her and I handed her off to Mr. T to hold for the first time. Wow. She just continued to look at us, but not make any eye contact. I had the foresight to have some toy "keys" out for her. Something about those keys must have been comforting, because she immediately clutched them and didn't let go for the remainder of the day. My initial reaction sitting there was that I wanted to strip her clothes off and make sure she was ok. And look at her. And just make sure she was ok! I don't know where this was coming from, but I kept saying to Mr. T, "she looks ok. Do you thing she's ok. Cuz she looks ok. Do you think she's alright?" We had to then quickly pack everything up and head back to the hotel (we got her first smile on the bus on the way back to the hotel- HEAVEN!). Mr. T went down to the 22nd floor to do paperwork, and I went to the room with LT. It was as if being in the hotel room set off the waterworks. I've never been so scared in my life. I undressed her, wiped her down and changed her diaper. She had been wearing a fleecy outfit with traditional split pants underneath. I checked her out- she's pretty darn cute and perfect. She cried and cried and refused a bottle. I walked her and rocked her, and she fell asleep on my chest. She woke up about 15 minutes later and seemed surprised and upset to still be in the awful hotel room. (They have turned OFF the air conditioner in the hotel, and the rooms are like ovens.) It was as if she looked at me and thought to herself, "oh, you again." We had to be back at the Civil Affairs office to do the paperwork at 2:20, so we had to eat lunch. We went down to the dining room and LT was still refusing a bottle. We met up with another family who had some Gerber dried fruit snacks. It was like gold! She loved them and once she started to eat them, she ate some other Gerber snacks that I had with us (thatIbroughtwithmebutpromisedmyselfthatshe'donlyeatthemwhileinChina). No bottle though. We did get a tiny little laugh from her while waiting in the lobby for the bus. We went back to the Civil Affairs office to complete the adoption. We had to go through about 4-5 rooms to complete paperwork, get a picture taken, pay fees etc. Near the end, we were presented with a disposable camera that we had sent over to the orphanage a few months back. Hopefully they took a lot of good photos of her over the last few months to help us fill in the gap where all we knew of our daughter was what we received in the referral. The Orphanage also presented us with a silver ornament with her name, birth date and orphanage name. It was a sweet gesture and we will treasure it. We were back at the hotel by 4:30 or 5:00ish. LT had been upset most of the afternoon - except when on the bus rides. We briefly considered getting into a cab with her and driving around, and then remembered the traffic in China. The only toy that interested her were the plastic keys. She gripped those ALL afternoon. We all went to dinner at the restaurant on the second floor. LT ate some pureed apples. We were in heaven - she eats! No bottle though. She also tried a noodle and a bite of steamed egg. She was one tired and confused little baby at this point (all the babies were a little stressed out). We gave her a quick bath (she is slippery when wet!), changed her into a sleeper, and I rocked and patted her until she feel asleep, around 7:30pm. I was very unsure about the bath, but she was a little smelly, and it did seem to relax her. Mark ran out to the local department store (that includes a grocery store on the 4th floor) to buy some different bottles and some more baby food since she loved those pureed apples. She didn't want to go into her crib, so I continued to comfort her and she slept on me until about 8:30. She finally settled down enough to sleep in the crib and she slept through until 2am! She woke up sneezing and coughing (she has a little cold) and with her THIRD poopy diaper! Very exciting. We're so proud of her pooping so far. She also has a little rash, and we are hoping like crazy that it is nothing... LT is so cute. Really people. I mean it. When she's really upset she sticks her cute little bottom lip out and shows her two little teeth on the bottom. It melts our heart every time. I had to walk her from 2am until 4am, and then she slept again until almost 7am. Today (Tuesday) will be a fun day- we are looking forward to getting to know her a little better. She is beautiful and amazing. I hope we can soothe her and make her feel more comfortable with us. She seems a little calmer and more engaged already this morning - now to get her to take a bottle! I can't believe it, but we are finally, *finally* a family of three!

Nervous, Anxious, Thrilled...Lucky

Friday, November 11, 2005 Three days. Three days! Holy crap only three more days until we meet LT. It is just unbelievable at this point. We started off the day today with breakfast at the hotel. We then set out for the Pearl Market. It is a 4-level building with electronics and other items on the first floor, purses and shoes on the second floor, inexpensive jewelry on the third floor, and some nice pearl shops in the fourth floor. It was fun to browse (it was like the Shanghai markets), and then we selected a store on the 4th floor and purchased a pearl necklace for LT. It will be nice to have it for her when she is older. We went to lunch at a local Chinese restaurant that had a small wall of aquariums in case you wanted to select a fresh fish for lunch. We ordered sizzling beef in pepper sauce, a bbq pork dish, and a cabbage dish. We've typically been fine ordering two meat dishes and a vegetable. At the last minute we added some Chinese dumplings. Everything was delicious, but the cabbage dish was like a soup and came out in a large serving bowl. The cabbage soup alone was enough to feed four people! In addition, the service at the restaurant was of course very attentive so the moment we finished a bowl of the cabbage, the waitress would immediately fill up our bowl again. Needless to say, we ate a lot of cabbage. After lunch, we had arranged for a private tour of the hutong. The hutong are narrow and often winding lanes that were the city's passageways long before the 20th century and cars. Old maps of Beijing show the city to be an immense and intricate maze composed almost entirely of hutong, most no wider than 30 ft. and some as narrow as 20 inches. Many families have lived in the hutong neighborhoods for generations. I was particularly excited about taking this tour. We met our tour guide at the entrance to an area of the hutong about 30 minutes from our hotel. He introduced himself as "Jackie, but not Jackie Chan." He was from Shanghai originally, and was a lot of fun. It was interesting to ask him questions and get his perspective as a young man living in China. At the entrance to the hutong, the pedicabs line up and wait to be hired. Jackie arranged for two pedicabs (one for us, and one for him). Our pedicab driver was about 70 years old, and had to have been cringing when he saw us big, fat Americans heading his way! That poor guy pedaled us all over the hutong though. Mr. T and I felt more than a little lazy and indugent... Families living in the hutong traditionally lived in courtyard houses (siheyuan) that are typically four buildings arranged around a central courtyard, with one entry door. At our first stop on our tour, Jackie explained that the significance of the entry gates. The doors and the symbols on the door indicate the significance of the family living inside (i.e. the rank of a government official vs. a commoner). We entered in to a local families' house and sat in the courtyard with the head of the family. Three generations were currently living in his house (he had one 21-year old son), and he was a retired engineer. His job now is to take in tourists, and then also make and sell paper cuttings. He proudly showed off his living quarters - he was very proud of his air conditioner. It was a nice house in terms of what is available in the hutong, but it was definitely modest in American terms. After walking through his home and studio, we continued on the pedicab journey. Our next stop was the former residence of Soong Ching-ling. She was the wife of Dr. Sun Yat-sen. Although her family was a leading supporter of the Nationalist Party, she showed sympathy to the Communist Party after her husband's death in 1925. Mao rewarded her with this house. it was quite lovely and set back from the alley, with a lake, several buildings, and a garden. The tour continued to the Drum Tower and Bell Tower, which were used to mark time in the city. We climbed to the top of the Bell Tower, and took in views of Beijing. It was fascinating to look out over the city, and see modern Beijing on the horizon. It seems that there is construction everywhere in Beijing - most to prepare for the 2008 Olympics. At the bottom of the Bell Tower, we stopped for a traditional tea ceremony. We sampled four kinds of tea and scorched our tongues. We loved the sweet tea the most. This was our last stop, and then our old driver had to haul us back out of the hutong. We had tickets to a Chinese acrobat show that evening with two other couples from our Travel Group. We took two taxis from our hotel to the theatre - three people in each taxi. When we got to the theatre, our driver motioned in the direction of the theatre and let us out of the taxi about a block away. We waited in the lobby for the other taxi to arrive... and waited, and waited. Mr. T walked around a bit, and then noticed that no one else in the lobby had tickets that looked like our tickets. Our taxi driver had dropped us off at the wrong theatre! We managed to find an English-speaking theatre employee who pointed us in the direction of the correct theatre which was a couple blocks in the OTHER direction! We hoofed it over to the other theatre and made it just in time for the show. It was very entertaining, albeit a bit tourist-focused. Some of the acrobats were very young, and they were all very flexible! After the show, the concierge at the hotel had made dinner reservations for us at a very local Chinese restaurant (a hot pot restaurant). We followed our little treasure map drawn by the Concierge and found the restaurant- on the 2nd floor of an apartment building. It looked very young and hip and we were hungry and excited. We were definitely the only non-locals in the crowd. Much to our disappointment, they did not have our reservation, and there was a significant wait for a table. So we wandered about a bit and checked out a few restaurants. We were not in an area that caters to tourists - so no English menus... we wanted a place that at least had some pictures on their menu. Finally we found a place that had one menu with English translations! It is so frustrating to not be able to speak the language, and we certainly do not know any characters. It made me feel kind of dumb, and I wished we had been more serious about our study of Mandarin before we left home. We were seated at the restaurant and we huddled around the single menu. The waitress (who spoke no English) stood at the table and waited for us to decide. Right away. At that moment we all wished we knew the words for "can we please have a moment?" Dinner ended up being delicious - beef with green peppers, a shrimp dish, Kung Pao chicken and fried green beans. And Tsingtao, of course. It was quite an adventure with a happy ending! We are having a blast, but we are really ready to get on with the trip and meet LT. Again, we feel sooooo lucky to be here and exploring China. Three more families from our group arrived today, and that really makes it seem like this might really happen! Saturday, November 12, 2005 Two days. Two more days! So what do you do two days before you meet your daughter and your life changes forever? Go to the Great Wall! We were up early this morning to meet families from our Travel Group in the hotel lobby at 7:30am. Four other families went with us. We had arranged for transportation to the wall through our hotel, so we had a 22-seater bus called a "Coaster" waiting for us. The ride there was very fun - you could feel the excitement in the air as we all caught up, shared our experiences in China on this trip or in the past, and talked about the girls. We have been very lucky that the families in our Travel Group are so fabulous. We're a small group and all of the families are local. Although we all come from different walks of life, we have clicked and really have a great time together. The location we went to, Badaling, is the closest to Beijing city center. The drive was a little over an hour. This section was the first section open to tourists and had been fully restored to it's Ming appearance in 1957. This area of the wall is set in a steep, forested mountain range, and offers amazing views! It was really lovely. And a bit surreal. Mr. T and I stopped at one point, looked at each other and I said, "Holy crap, we're on the Great Wall." It was all a little hard to believe. Never in my life had I imagined I'd be here for this particular type of journey to meet our daughter. We hiked for over an hour to get to the highest point in this particular section. Some areas of the wall were very steep or slippery. It was quite a hike. At one point some Chinese soldiers came up behind our group. They seemed to be sightseeing as well. Mr. T started to climb a very steep set of stairs, and happened to be next to a soldier. Mr. T was moving along very quickly, and the soldier started to race him. It was a riot! Meanwhile at the base of the stairs, I was standing with the other women in our group. Some of the soldiers were taking pictures. One of them motioned us over and included us standing next to him in his picture. He was with three other soldiers, and then they all asked us to pose with them! I suppose these guys could have been from the countryside, and perhaps haven't seen many Caucasian people. I have definitely received my share of stares since arriving in Beijing...not many redheads here. Overall the Great Wall was amazing. It curls around this area and seems to go on forever. It was definitely a tough climb (my legs were shaking when we got back down to the bottom!), but so much fun. Once we got back to our hotel, we were all starving. We had lunch at a local Chinese place. They showed us to a private room in the back of the restaurant, so we had a large round table to ourselves. As always we received great service and the food was delicious! We had a chicken dish, beef noodle dish, some GREAT spicy green beans, broccoli, and dumplings. And Tsingtao, of course. We took a break after that, and then took advantage of the hotel perks and had free drinks and snacks in the Club Lounge. We then set out to explore this area. We walked through Sun Dong An Plaza and then Wangfujing Street which is a modern pedestrian mall with lots of neon signs, and hutong behind the strip. We walked through a department store, and some other smaller stores. It was interesting that in the department store the biggest crowd was gathered around a small counter that was selling Beijing 2008 Olympic stuff. There is much pride and excitement here in the Olympic preparations (although I can't imagine the athletics taking place in this smog). I think there were more people in to the city from the countryside for the weekend, as I did receive more stares than I have since being here. We continued to explore, and took a side entrance off the main plaza into the hutong and Wangfujing Food Street - which is supposed to be more like old-time Peking. The storefronts were open, and vendors were selling all kinds of very interesting treats. We explored some of the hutong, and I bought a few trinkets. We then went to Donghuamen Food Street - a night market for snacking Chinese food. It was made up of a row of vendors with red lanterns. The food they were peddling was SO interesting. Perhaps if we were here purely for leisure purposes we would have tried something, but we need to stay healthy to care for LT. So we just took it all in. Some of the food smelled delicious - interesting stir fries, dumplings, or skewers of meat. Some of the food did not smell good, but was interesting to look at. We saw people eating skewered chicken feet, snake, beetles, octopus - you name it. Considering my love of cuisine, I was particularly fascinated by this food market! Seriously- one of my favorite sights so far. I'll say it again - two more days! In two days our life is going to change forever! Sunday, November 13, 2005 Sunday is a bit of a blur. It was the day BEFORE we meet our daughter. Holy crap. We had breakfast at the hotel, and then packed up. I will not miss all of this packing and unpacking. We have so much stuff now that it is even more of a challenge to get it all into the suitcases. We only have to pack up two more times after this though - and then we'll be home with LT. We set out for the Temple of Heaven to take my mind off of my nervousness. It was a beautiful day in Beijing - very sunny with a bright blue sky. Really lovely. It was the nicest weather we've experienced so far in China. The temple/park was lovely and filled with many musical people. There were men playing traditional Chinese string instruments and flutes, and women singing. It was very lovely. We also took in the buildings and history, but I'll be honest, my mind was really not on sightseeing. I could barely take it all in. We took a cab back to our hotel and checked out. We ran into a couple from our Travel Group in the lobby. We all decided to go to Jing, one of the hotel restaurants, for a good Western burger before heading to Changsa for the week. It was a delicious burger and french fries. With catsup. Yum! It was also nice to sit and chat with M and L as they were experiencing the same range of emotions that we were. Well, L and I were emotional, M and Mr. T just teased us about it all! We set off for the airport around 3:30pm. We met up with the rest of our Travel Group. The three families who flew in directly from the US looked very tired. I cannot imagine dealing with jet lag right now. I'm sure the adrenaline of meeting the babies will keep those families moving. We had a simple dinner of white rice and dumplings in the airport. And of course a final Tsingtao to toast LT and the rest of the girls. The flight to Changsha was very turbulent. When the plane touched down, Mr. T and I looked at each other and smiled (big smiles!). We're in Changsha in the Hunan Province! Home of LT! Our Agency really has this process down to a science. At this point we LT. They checked us in for our flights, arrange transportation and luggage transfer, and even checked us into our hotel. It was very odd for us as we are used to being very independent travelers, and "group tours" are really not our thing. But thank goodness for the group treatment in this case - as we are not thinking too clearly at this point. An official from the Hunan Adoption Affairs office met our group at the airport and rode the bus with us to the hotel. He was very gracious and introduced us to the process, the hotel, and told us about Hunan and Changsha. This is small-town China, yet is still a city of over 6 million. Wow. The hotel has a grand old lobby. We all got checked in and headed off to our rooms with instructions for the next morning. When we walked into the room the first thing I noticed was the CRIB! Holy crap again! I unpacked and prepared a diaper bag. (Having never packed a diaper bag before - I had consulted with several of the experienced moms in the group!) I can assure you that for the hour that we will be out of the hotel tomorrow morning when we meet LT - I will have plenty of diapers, formula, clothes, etc. We are so excited. It is the last time we sleep without LT. It is hard to describe the range of emotions we were feeling. So excited to meet this kid. Finally! Nervous, anxious, thrilled...lucky.

Welcome to Beijing

And now on with the story. Leaving Shanghai was like getting to the end of a long vacation. We knew that we still had time to explore in Beijing, but things were starting to get real...we'd be meeting LT soon. Talk about the jitters. Looking back, Beijing felt very new, and much cleaner to me. Almost sanitized. I attribute it to all of the work being done to prepare for the Olympics, as there was evidence of that everywhere. The areas and sights we saw were amazing - yet another side of China. I would love to be able to go back some day and explore more of the cultural icons and historical sights that are everywhere in Beijing. Wednesday, November 9, 2005 Today started very early - at 4:30 am, so we could leave Shanghai and catch our flight to Beijing. We left for the airport at 5:15am as the Concierge indicated that it would take us an hour to get to the airport. We were flying out of the domestic airport, which is a different airport than where we flew into Shanghai. Well, Shanghai traffic is very different that early in the morning (i.e. nonexistent) and it only took us about 20 minutes to get to the airport. As we sat waiting for our flight, we heard many announcements about flights to Changsha (where we will go to meet LT) . We would have jumped at the opportunity to get on a flight to Changsha and meet our daughter sooner! But alas, we wait until Sunday evening. When it was finally time to board, we took a bus to the plane. On the plane when the meal was served, I ordered the Chinese meal, and Mr. T ordered the Western meal so we could compare and contrast. Mr. T's meal had a croissant, eggs, sausage and chicken, and my meal had dumplings, congee, and some other items that I was unsure of. It was interesting to try it all. We arrived in Beijing on schedule, and I took advantage of the squatty potty at the airport. I'm really getting the hang of it. It was also quite an experience to get a stall...it was quite crowded and everyone was just kind of pushing there way in. There were many older ladies waiting, and it just felt impolite to push ahead of them. Finally I was able to jockey a spot and block anyone from getting in front of me. Our hotel in Beijing is really fabulous - The Peninsula Palace. The service in Asia is just outstanding - there is even someone to stand in the lobby to keep the revolving door moving (he's my favorite employee here!). I've stayed at some fabulous hotels in my time, but the details here are just stellar. After settling in to our hotel, we walked around a bit and had a late lunch at a restaurant nearby. It was delicious - a vegetable dish, chicken dish and a spicy beef with noodles dish that we both really loved. We then walked to Tian an Men Square. This area looks very new, and has very wide roads (perhaps relating to the construction work going on for the 2008 Olympics). We first went to Tian an Men Gate (Gate of Heavenly Peace). This is the picture most people have in their mind when they think of Beijing, and is the most emblematic of Chinese government grandeur. Above the middle door (that was once reserved exclusively for the emperor) is the giant portrait of Mao. Mao declared the founding of the People's Republic of China from atop this gate on October 1, 1949. It was a mix of emotions to be there and see how he is honored. Many atrocities were committed under his rule, yet indirectly his policies are responsible for us adopting LT. We walked up to the upper platform to view the square from there. It was a decent view, although the smog hampered it a bit. We then walked through the gate towards the entrance to the Forbidden City, and took in some of the sights. The Chinese military was doing some maneuvers inside, which was interesting to watch. We then crossed the street via underground tunnel, and walked around the actual square. It is the world's largest square, and is the size of 90 football fields! In the center is the Monument to the People's Heroes. It has an inscription in Mao's handwriting: THE PEOPLE'S HEROES ARE IMMORTAL. Since we were up so early, we were asleep VERY early last night. We actually got a full night's sleep (thank goodness for B*enadryl- I just love the B*enadryl). It was the most sleep we've had since being in China. We better enjoy it while we can! Beijing has a completely different feel than Shanghai. We see fewer non-Asians, and there is much more history to take in. We are so lucky to be here and able to explore yet another side of China. Thursday, November 10, 2005 We started the morning feeling refreshed after our, ahem, twelve hours of sleep! It was the best sleep we have had so far. I'm finally feeling like myself again and feeling like I've kicked the jet lag. We had breakfast at the hotel, and then set out on foot for the Forbidden City, which is made up of red-walled buildings topped by intricate tiled roofs. We took an audio tour and walked all throughout the palaces. It was amazing - it is the largest and most intricate imperial palace in China. Construction of the palace began in 1406, and it was interesting to learn about the purpose of each building. Mr. T was particularly fascinated by the concubine quarters. Part-way through the Forbidden City there is an area that has a few shops selling souvenirs (Mao watch anyone?) and snacks. We did do a bit of a double-take when we saw the sign for a Starbucks. In the middle of the Forbidden City. Uh-huh. We spent half the day touring the Forbidden City, and then walked over to Beihai Park. This is Beijing's oldest imperial garden, about 800 years old. We walked around the lakes, and then entered into a temple. We walked all through it, climbing higher and higher. Towards the top we were able to overlook the tiled roofs of the Forbidden City, and see the wall and moat around it. It was truly an awesome view- just so lovely. We of course also rubbed the Buddha's belly for good luck at the top. The tower in the center of the park is Tibetan-style and was built in 1651 to commemorate a visit from the Dalai Lama. By this point it was late afternoon and we were starving, so we headed back towards our hotel and had a delicious late lunch at Jing (in the hotel). We had some hot and sour soup, stir-fried vegetables, and spit-roasted chicken. One of the families from our Travel Group was already in Beijing, so after lunch we met them for drinks in the Club here at the hotel. Seeing them made it seem so real that we will be meeting LT soon. We hired a driver to take us to dinner (everything is so cheap here!), and went to the Chef Dong Roast Duck Restaurant on the Third Ring Road for dinner. Of course we had to have the Peking Duck since we are in Peking! The restaurant was about a thirty minute drive from our hotel (we are in central Beijing). It was interesting to drive through the city and compare it to Shanghai. There are very few skyscrapers here, and it seems less crowded. There are still many people on bikes, and the rules of the road are "honk and go....and honk again" but it seems so different than Shanghai. There are a million K*F*C restaurants here - like in Hong Kong and Shanghai. There are more K*F*C restaurants then even Mc*D*onald's. It is so interesting. When we entered the restaurant, they had a table in the lobby set out with glasses, liters of pop and water, and bottles of wine. Since we had to wait a little for a table, we poured ourselves a glass of wine and admired the sea cucumbers that Chef Dong had prepared and put on display. We ordered a duck for dinner, and a vegetable dish. They carved the duck tableside, and our waitress showed us how to wrap the meat in pancakes (Moo Shu style). She was able to create a "duck burrito" by only using her chopsticks - it took us a few tries to do so. Chef Dong did not disappoint, as the duck was quite delicious, and quite a fun meal! I know I have mentioned the service in Asia, but I wanted to give a few examples of the extraordinary service we have encountered where ever we dine or stay. There is always someone to push the elevator button for you, show you to the restroom, or serve you another portion. And I mentioned the guy in our hotel lobby whose job it is to simply keep the revolving door moving. But yesterday we encountered service that topped all of that. After coming back from drinks, our room had been serviced (turn-down service). Mr. T had left his book open on the bed, with a slip of well-worn paper serving as a bookmark sitting next to it. The housekeeping staff re-made the bed, turned down the covers, set up our slippers next to the bed and placed his book in the center with a shiny new Peninsula Palace bookmark! It was a riot! The staff here does not miss a beat with the details - no scraps of paper for bookmarks here. Well, only three more breakfasts until we meet LT! We're getting antsy, nervous, and excited. Another family from our group arrived late today....so it is getting more and more real!

Didn't I Just Clean the Tub?

So I was giving LT her bath last tonight. She was playing, splashing and generally having a good time. I've been working on some recommendations from our speech pathologist and I was blowing raspberries to help LT become more vocal. She reached up and touched my tongue and lips as I blew the raspberries. I thought to myself at that moment, "blech, this bath water tastes like crap" and wondered how she could so happily sit there and chew on all of her toys. Blech. And then we splashed some more, played some more and had bath fun was being had by all. I do remember thinking to myself at one point though, "geez the water looks kinda dirty...but I just cleaned the tub..." And then I saw it. Larger than life...poo. Sticking out from under LT's adorable butt. A big brown pile of poo. And then there were little chunks breaking off and floating around...and I realized that the tub hadn't been dirty...but it was now. It took me a moment, but I suddenly realized that LT was sitting in a pool of her own poo and pee. Splashing in it, chewing her poo/pee-soaked toys, and drinking it from her cups. Oh.How.Gross. I immediately called for back-up, and pulled LT out of the tub. I'm happy to report that 45 minutes later she was re-cleaned, asleep, and all bath surfaces and toys involved in the incident had been scrubbed down with soap and water. Whew. And my mouth. Yes, it has also been scrubbed down. But I don't think I will ever forget that unique bath water after-taste...

Two More Days in Shanghai

I'm a comment whore. It only took six comments (but six very high-quality comments) and you get more, more, more!! In retrospect, I absolutely loved our time in Shanghai. We were finally on our own in mainland China, with no tour guides or friends accountable for us. We were free to explore and drink in the sights. Shanghai is a city of contrasts. There were people absolutely everywhere, and great wealth and great poverty living side by side. We would see a tiny shop, no bigger than a closet, next to a Mercedes dealership. And people on fancy scooters riding along next to a man on a bike with a pile of stuff strapped to the back. One of my favorite sights was a man riding his bike along with a HUGE television and VCR strapped to the back. I'm talking 32 inches of heavy, awkward TV. I was pretty impressed. My other impression of Shanghai was that if it was not nailed down, it was for sale. And really, even if it was nailed down you could probably negotiate to buy it. Anyway, on with the story... Monday, November 7, 2005 Today started early, about 5am. The jet lag is really rough - I am having more of a difficult time with it then Mr. T. I just wish I could sleep through the night, but I doubt that is going to change anytime soon! All day we thought about LT and that the next Monday we will have met her. We're in the home stretch now. We had breakfast at the hotel - a buffet of Chinese, Japanese, European and American options. Mr. T in his infinite ways of getting us upgrades and special treatment when we travel, managed to get us an upgrade on our room. Unfortunately this meant we had to repack our suitcases. Fortunately it meant that we are now staying in a fabulous suite with an amazing view of the city! We then took a cab to the Bund to begin our sightseeing. It was a lovely day. The haze seemed to be less, and the sun was out. It was awesome to walk along the Bund and take in the view of the city and the water. We walked along the promenade by the water and soaked in the sights, sounds and, er, smell. At one point we sat down to read about the sights and put on sunscreen. When I looked up I noticed that a Chinese man had set up his video camera on a tripod and had it aimed squarely at us. He filmed us for about ten minutes. I haven't seen many other redheads in China, so I suppose that was my 15 minutes of fame. After soaking in the view, we took the Bund Tourist Tunnel to get across to the Pudong side of the city. It was a unique experience that included a fancy laser and light show with dramatic music. Perhaps a little overdone, but an easy way to get across the water to the other side! Once across we walked to the Pearl Tower. It is an unattractive, yet distinctive structure, but there are many other amazing skyscrapers in this area (Jin Mao Tower) and the view from the top is supposedly very nice at night. At the base of the Pearl Tower we paid for admission into the Shanghai Municipal History Museum. It was very interesting to learn about the history of the city and the impact of semi-colonialism on its development. Shanghai is a mix of east and west and we really enjoyed learning about it. After the museum, we took the tunnel back to the Bund and walked back on the street side. We stopped in the Peace Hotel to take a peek at the lobby - it was built in 1929 and is an art deco masterpiece. We then walked back to our hotel via Nanjing Road. This is a top shopping street that becomes a pedestrian walkway at one point. It was so interesting - so many people, interesting shops and smells. We walked into a couple of food stores along the way to see the meats, dried fish and other interesting items being bought and sold. At some point along the way we stopped into a Japanese noodle restaurant and had lunch and a beer. We have been taking the advice of my friend Lindsey - if we have no water, we drink the beer! I had to take a bathroom break on the walk back, so we stopped at a McDonald's. I encountered my first non-Western toilet aka "squatty potty." I squatted like a champ! We took a break at the hotel later in the day. A nap was in order - jet lag strikes again. We went to the Xintiandi area for dinner. This is an upscale shopping and entertainment area. We walked through many of the shops and then had dinner at Kabb Bar and Grille. After dinner we had a drink at a German bar where we listened to a Fillipino band play American music, and shared a table with a Dutch man who was entertaining his Chinese colleagues. It was an international evening. We sat and chatted with Dutch man and his Chinese women friends. Pleasantries were exchanged, and we did end up telling that we were in China to adopt a baby. The reaction of the Chinese women was very interesting. They congratulated us, and then the first question was "boy or girl?" We said "girl" and the very next question was "why no boy?" We ended the night with a toast to LT. One week away... Tuesday, November 8, 2005 Today started a little bit later, and we both slept a bit better. We had breakfast at the hotel, and then set out for the Yu Garden, which is one of China's loveliest private classical gardens. The cab ride there was interesting - driving through the city is a window into daily life in Shanghai. The traffic is like New York, but with mopeds and bikes added in. Lots of 'em. Yu Garden was lovely. Its name means "Garden of Contentment," and it is certainly a quiet retreat from the bustle of the city. We wandered through the courtyards and gardens and took in the history. The construction of the garden was complete in 1577, and there was much furniture from the Ming dynasty. It was another sunny day in Shanghai (although hazier than yesterday) so it was a nice day to explore the garden. After seeing the garden, we walked into the market right next to Yu Garden. We bought a few more trinkets and gifts. The bargaining was a lot of fun again! Thanks to our friend Tessa we know how much to bargain. She saved us a lot of money! There was also some sort of show going on in one of the squares - young boys playing drums. It was a lively and fun show. By late afternoon we were finally hungry for lunch. In one of the squares we noticed that a lot of people were eating large dumplings with straws sticking out of the middle (drinking straws). We were intrigued, so we ordered one without really knowing what it was. It turned out to be soup and meat inside a dumpling. It was so DELICIOUS! I'm glad we tried it - even if it did end up on the front of my shirt. Seriously- the soupy dumpling thing is one of the most delicous things I have ever eaten. We then stopped at a small restaurant and ate some dim sum - pork buns, vegetable dumplings and shrimp dumplings. Delicious! After shopping at Yu Garden market, we took a cab back to Xiang Yang Market (Fashion Market) to do a little more shopping. When the cab pulled up to the entrance of the market, we were mobbed by people selling "watch? purse? DVD?" It was a riot - a bit like the paparazzi lining up outside a car when a movie star arrives at a premier. The merchants are very aggressive at this market, and the bargaining is very lively. We were definitely more comfortable dealing with the merchants this time. At one point someone was trying to sell Mr. T some underwear, and he turned to the man, smiled and very politely said, "I don't wear underwear." Ahh, the Mr. T sense of humor. We're leaving Shanghai at 5am tomorrow morning to catch our flight to Beijing, so we turned in early tonight. We're looking forward now to heading to Beijing, meeting up with our travel group, and having the opportunity to experience yet another side of China.

Surprised by Shanghai

I wondered if I should continue to tell the story based on the, ahem, overwhelming number of comments below to my Hong Kong post...but I'll continue for my good friend Laura. Sunday, November 6, 2005 Today was an amazing day - we made it to the mainland!!! We are a little closer to LT. *Now* I feel like we are really in China, and are going to see LT's birth country. We awoke at 3am but were able to go back to sleep until 5:30. We left for the airport around 7am. We arrived in Shanghai around noon. When the plane landed it was a bit surreal - are we really here? A car from our hotel picked us up from the airport. We felt awfully important when we stepped through customs and were greeted with a sign bearing our name (we're easily amused). The first thing we noticed when we walked out of the airport was the haze. We had been warned about the pollution, but both Mr. T and I are amazed at just how intense it really is. It was about an hour drive into the city. The view was fascinating: modern highways, endless highrise buildings, laundry hanging from every balcony and every window, people and stuff on bikes and mopeds, fancy cars, old cars, people absolutely everywhere. We are on the 50th floor at our hotel, and have a lovely view (though it would be better with a little less haze.) The city is very different than Hong Kong - we encounter less English-speakers, it is very crowded, and just has a completely different feel. It definitely feels like we are far from home, and somewhere very different. My friend, Julie, has a sister currently living in Shanghai, and she (Tessa) had graciously agreed to show us around a little. She was in the lobby when we arrived at the hotel, so we didn't get a chance to nap. We didn't have a minute to let the jet lag set in - we just got moving. This was a great decision in retrospect as it helped us to get a better night of sleep later.We decided that we wanted to do a little shopping, so Tessa took us to the "Fashion Market." We walked through the food market to get to the merchandise, and the meat section in particular was interesting. There were many stalls with hunks of meat just sitting out on wooden tables. No refrigeration needed, very fresh! We had a blast at the market - stalls and stalls of merchandise that included watches, purses, clothes, luggage, gift items, etc. Lots of "N*orth F#ce" jackets. Some of the locals are a bit aggressive in their approach to Westerners and it was a little overwhelming at first. But Tessa is a seasoned pro at navigating the market. She first taught us how to negotiate - and she is a fierce negotiator! She told us to expect to pay around 30-40% of the original stated price, and be prepared to walk away. It was good advice, as Mr. T is now the proud owner of a N*orth F#ce Windstopper jacket for $22US. He was told that he is a very good bargainer. I bought some small gift items. It was VERY fun, and the bargaining process is really like a sport. We had blast at the market, but all of that walking and bargaining tired us out. We decided to go for massages as Tessa knew of a place close to the market. Tessa and I had foot massages, and Mr. T had a head massage. It was all very inexpensive - about $8US for the foot massage and $2.50US for the head massage. My feet felt great afterwards. After massages, Tessa took us to dinner. We stopped at a restaurant close to the market that was filled with locals. Our waitress showed us to a table for four that was already occupied with a nice elderly couple sharing a bowl of dumplings. They pulled over an extra chair for me and we perused the menu. The elderly couple slurped up their soup (literally) and moved on, and the gentleman graciously offered me his chair. We had a little more room to spread out. The menu had been translated, but some of the translations were a little questionable (stretchy beef dumplings?). We ordered a variety of dishes to share and dinner was amazing! We had sizzling beef, stir-fried vegetables, braised beef and noodles, and two kinds of dumplings. It was truly delicious! Oh, and dinner (with beers) for the three of us was about $9US. After dinner we headed back to our hotel as we were SO tired. I was unsure about taking the time to visit Shanghai, but now that we are here I am thrilled that we are here, and feel luck to be able to take this all in. We're another day closer to LT. We are thinking about her all the time, and seeing her face in the children we encounter everywhere. At this point we really can't wait to meet her.

Scenes From My Day

Scene One: (Little T waves at framed picture of baby)... Momma: Who is that baby? Is that LT? LT: (Smile) Uh uh uh (lean towards picture) Momma: Do you want to kiss the baby? LT: (Bigger smile) Uh uh uh (open mouth kiss framed picture of self) ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Scene Two: (Little T looking in the mirror)... Momma: Who is that baby? Is that LT? LT: (Smile) Uh uh uh (lean towards mirror) Momma: Do you want to kiss the baby? LT: (Bigger smile) Uh uh uh (open mouth kiss self in mirror) ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Let's hope this strong love of self sticks around through adolescence...

Now on with the Story: Hong Kong

Wednesday, November 2, 2005 & Thursday, November 3, 2005 We woke up at the crack of dawn on Wednesday morning - who can sleep when you're leaving for China that day? We were seriously giddy. It was the strangest feeling. We kept looking at each other and saying things like, "um, we're leaving for CHINA today," and "not sure if you knew this, but we're going to CHINA today." Our cab was scheduled to come around 9am, and our dear friends came over to wish us bon voyage. I also think they wanted to check out the luggage - I don't think they believed that I could manage to only bring two suitcases. I'm happy to report that they were impressed with our packing. Our flight left around noon, and arrived in Hong Kong at approximately 6pm on Thursday. The flight was fabulous. Business class is really the only way to travel - it was like sitting in a L@zboy recliner for 16 hours. We're very spoiled now. We watched a couple of movies, read a little, ate a great dinner - the time flew by quickly. If only the flight home is so relaxing.... The Hong Kong airport was extremely easy to navigate. We got cash and took the "Airport Express" train into central Hong Kong. From there we took a cab to our friends' flat (A and K). They live in the area called the "Mid-Levels" and it was a short cab ride from the train station. Mr. T is already snoring, so I'm off to sleep and (hopefully) wake up refreshed and ready to see Hong Kong! It feels like we could be in any city right now, in any friends' apartment. Intellectually I know we are on the other side of the world, and getting closer to Little T...but I'm still feeling like I'm walking around in a dream. Friday, November 4, 2005 Today began VERY early for us. Mr. T was up at 4am, and decided to wake me up as well. Uh-huh. We tried to go back to sleep, but ended up staying awake until 6am and then only getting an additional hour of sleep. Jet lag. After breakfast, we walked down to the Peak Tram Station, through the Hong Kong Zoo (but away from the bird exhibits) to take the tram to the top of Victoria Peak. The tram ride is about 10 minutes to the top. At the top we walked the loop - about one hour around the top of The Peak to take in views of the city. It was gorgeous and informational - as A was able to provide narrative on the various buildings and areas of the city. Hong Kong is truly a breathtaking city. We then met K for dim sum at Maxim's at City Hall. It was delicious and the dining room overlooks the harbor for an amazing view. Dim sum here is served from the carts, which is a lot of fun. We ate many of the same dishes we have eaten at dim sum in Chinatown at home, and tried a few new dishes as well. After lunch we walked back to A and K's place via the Central/Mid-levels Escalator. Opened in 1994 as the world's longest covered escalator, it stretches 780m (2,600 ft.) from Central to the Mid-Levels on Victoria Peak. It was interesting to see the neighborhood that has developed around the escalator (SoHo) with many shops, bars and restaurants. It was our kind of area, had Mr. T and I been on our own, I think we would have enjoyed wandering the alleys and shops. Perhaps another trip. Then the jet lag hit hard- it sneaks up on you and punches you below the belt. I was out for two hours napping and had a difficult time waking up. For dinner, we took a cab to a restaurant on the water on the south side of Hong Kong Island - Jumbo Floating Restaurant, which claims to be the largest floating restaurant in the world. We took a short ferry ride over to the restaurant, and dined outside at a new restaurant on the top floor. Mr. T and I both had delicious Indian meals - prawns and chicken served tandoori style with vegetables and naan bread. After dinner, A (of course) wanted to show us the Hong Kong night life. We went to Lan Kwai Fong which is an area filled with bars and restaurants...think Chinese Bourbon Street. We had a few beers at an Irish pub and watched the people go by. This is an area where we did not quite feel like we were in Asia- the mix of races was incredible. Our friends are ex-pats living in HK- and our experiences so far are definitely reflective of the ex-pat lifestyle. I couldn't help but wonder all day how different mainland China will be...and how funny it felt to be eating, drinking and touring HK just days before meeting our daughter. It leaves me with a feeling of unease. We're thinking of Little T ALL the time, and wondering what she is doing. Seems unreal that we are going to meet her soon. Saturday, November 5, 2005 We were able to sleep until 6:45 am this morning. It was fabulous! After breakfast A and K drove us to the south side of Hong Kong island to go to the Stanley neighborhood and Stanley market. The drive there was breathtaking with beautiful views of the water. The roads are pretty narrow, but A handled it like a champ. We walked through Stanley Market and had fun browsing the stalls. We did a little shopping, but we were really holding out for shopping on the mainland as it will be much cheaper. After walking around a bit, we got back into the car and drove to a beach village a short ways away. We had lunch at a Chinese Thai restaurant - "Shek O Chinese and Thailand Seafood Restaurant." K ordered lunch for all of us, and it was delicious! We had Pad Thai, pea sprouts with garlic, prawns in a black bean sauce, fried chicken and another spicy Thai vegetable dish. I loved the pea sprouts the most. After lunch we walked around the village a bit, and to the beach. The beach and the water were lovely and seemed very far away from the hustle and bustle of the city. It truly felt like we left HK and were in another place. We gave in to the jet lag after lunch and took a short nap. After napping we got ready for dinner and took the Star Ferry to Kowloon. The view of the skyline at night from the Kowloon side is stunning. All of the buildings are lit up and colorful. We took the ferry back to the Lan Kwai Fong area and had dinner at an Italian restaurant, and then called it a night. Exhaustion sets in early with the jet lag. Hong Kong is an amazing city. It does have the feel of a large European city and can be easily navigated without knowing the language. We are grateful that we were able to see it, but now we're ready to head off to the mainland...and see more of China. Mainland China! Tomorrow: off to Shanghai!

My Life, Another Perspective

After music class ends, most of the moms and babes hang around for a few minutes to socialize. Little T and I sat on the floor and spoke to Susan, mother of Max. Somehow the conversation led to drinking (the babes, not the gin gimlet I lurve). I mentioned that Little T has never taken a bottle. Susan said, "Oh, do you just nurse then?" Er, what?? I was confused. Nurse? She means breastfeeding? Ohhhhh, she thinks Little T is my biological child. Huh. How about that. I'm not Asian. I replied, "Oh no, she was adopted. She doesn't drink from a bottle and never has." This threw poor Susan for a loop (we were so unintentionally rocking each others' worlds). Susan is Asian, and replied, "Oh, my husband is white and I just assumed that your husband was Asian!" Some days I feel wrapped up in the fact the Little T came into our family through adoption...focusing on bonding, forming a secure attachment, creating a lifebook, practicing her story. It's top of mind right now. I think this is natural - as our relationship is very, very new. I walked into this class of moms feeling like the outsider. They all took the first class session last fall (when my child was living in an orphanage). They all knew each other. I felt like the poster family for international adoption - me with my blonde hair, and my beautiful Chinese daughter. It was a little eye-opening to me to learn of this woman's assumptions about us. To her, we are just another mom and baby in the class. It felt kind of nice.

Back Up the Bus

Ok then, let's back up the bus and start from the beginning. I maintained a family journal while on the trip, and a private journal. I'll dust them off and bring you up to speed. And remember when I'm listing out every item that we ate, at every single meal- you asked for it! Tuesday, November 1, 2005 It’s “trip-eve” here at the T-shaped household and I'm sitting in the corner of my bedroom, in fetal position...rocking. This is after Mr. T had to talk me in from the second floor ledge. The packing about drove me over the edge. At about 8:00 pm I was trying to zip up the bags and call it a night, and could.not.make.it.all.fit. Soooo, Mr. T proceeded to pull out what he deemed to be "non-essentials" and ask questions such as: -"Do we really need six bottles of Purell AND 100 hand-wipes?" -"Do you really think we need 50 ass wipes?" (specially ordered from fancytravelgear.com to keep my ass clean and soft) -"Do you really think we need 150 Ziploc bags?" (HA- in hind-sight I was right- our kid can poop like a champ) -"Do you really need THAT many outfits for Little T?" (this from the man who wanted to bring THREE pairs of shoes for himself) After I threw said ass wipes at his head, we managed to get the bags all packed, and within weight limit. We both wrapped up at work today. Our co-workers have been excited along with us. I forgot to mention, my co-workers threw me a surprise shower a couple of weeks ago. In order to completely surprise me, they took me out to lunch the Friday before the shower, and presented me with a gift certificate for a local restaurant. They wanted me to go home that weekend and think they were “very cheap.” They actually spent the time and energy to throw me a cheap "decoy" shower. Devious. The following Wednesday, they commandeered a weekly meeting that I run, and surprised me with the shower! It was all very generous and kind. Since I’ve been the guest of honor at three showers for Little T, Mr. T's co-workers felt that he needed a little showering as well. They threw him a “man-shower” on Monday. I’m not sure exactly what went on at that shower...but for some reason he left home with lots of singles in his wallet.* It’s time to get some sleep in preparation for the long flight ahead of us. It seems very surreal that we are leaving for China in the morning. We feel so lucky to be able to travel first and see China, but we really just can’t wait to meet Little T. It's hard to believe that she is more than a picture at this point. Off to feign sleep.... *I have to defend Mr. T's character...they really sat around and had a few beers and talked sports. And other man stuff.

Um, Hello?

I've been struggling with this post for quite a while now and finally decided to slink back to Blogistan. And apologize. For my lengthy and unexplained absence. Things have changed dramatically at the T household and I found that blogging was the first thing to go. Along with shaving my legs, combing my hair, sleeping, and showering. I'm beginning to settle into a routine now, so now I need to make a decision on what to do with this blog. First, a brief update: we are home. Little T is beautiful, amazing, smart. I'm in love. This is better than I imagined it would be. And harder. We encountered some feeding issues initially, but she is coming along well. I've also decided to trade corporate America and big paychecks for open-mouthed kisses and toothy grins. It was a tough decision and involves some financial sacrifices, but I think it's the right decision for us right now. If you're still here (which I find hard to believe), here are a few blog options...let me know what you'd like to see: 1. Backtrack and fill you in on our adoption journey from my travel journal 2. Move ahead and talk about mommyhood and forget this crazy absence happened 3. Give a brief synopsis of the trip and move on We're back!

No Whammies

Uh. I am sick. Yes, you read it here first. I have a sinus infection. Four days before leaving for China. Talk about a whammy. This is like a hit below the belt. Damn sinuses. I've been near-obsessive about washing my hands for the past two months, but it appears that the bacteria won this round. The good news is that my fabulous doctor prescribed me antibiotics. And she gave me a refill to take with me in case the infection doesn't completely clear up before I leave. I love my doctor. I am calmed tremendously by the thought of having antibiotics in my carry-on. Oh magic antibiotics make my headache and stuffiness go away! On other fronts, the packing is going on in earnest in the T household. Lists are being made and completed tasks crossed off. Items have been placed in suitcases, and removed from suitcases. Much freaking out has taken place...."44 POUNDS!! WHO CAN ONLY PACK 44 POUNDS OF CRAP FOR A THREE WEEK TRIP????" I'm off to revise a list....or complete a list.....or make a list.....or perhaps a nap is in order....

Wake Me Up When You're Finished Packing

Out in ye vast Internet, there are many, many packing lists posted for adoption trips to China. For every item on a list that someone said was *invaluable*, there is another list that indicates that you should not bother to bring the item. This packing list business has turned into an extreme source of stress for me. Let me explain. I am a recovering over-packer. I will never forget one of my first plane trips after college. We went to Maine for a friend's wedding and some skiing, and I packed so much that I had to sit in the rental car with a small suitcase on my lap. I've never lived it down. Since this time I started to regularly travel for work. And Mr. T and I began to travel the world for fun. I've worked hard to become an efficient packer. I plan my outfits precisely, coordinate shoes and purses and live by the rule of "if you can't lift it yourself, you can't bring it." I even went carry-on only to Paris this past July. (((gasp))) COO to Paris!! Now I have to come clean. Packing for this trip is causing me to completely come unglued. But let me clarify - I have the Little T stuff all ready to go. I feel like I've been packing her stuff in my head for a year. Clothes, toys, dipes, wipes, meds, spoons, bottles - Little T is covered. It's packing for me that is throwing me for a loop. Consider this: I'm packing for a cold climate (Beijing), a warmish climate (Shanghai and Changsha) and a hot climate (Hong Kong and Guangzhou). Our agency recommends bringing 3-4 outfits per adult and doing laundry on a regular basis. And no more than two pairs of shoes per person (a cold-weather pair and a warm-weather pair in my case?). And everything must be machine washable. But I feel like I'm really packing for two very different trips. The first part of our trip will be spent in three large cities, touring, shopping and dining. Just the two of us. Like old times. The second part of the trip will be spent caring for and getting to know my daughter. Comfort and practicality are key. I don't want to lug around over-stuffed luggage for 22 days. I want to be efficient, but I have to admit, I feel stumped. And a little silly. Ok, a lot silly. I'm about to meet my daughter (after five long years, long journey etc. etc.) and I'm worried about what to wear. I feel silly typing the words. I think I have hit a wall. I'm scared, excited, tired, thrilled, and anxious. I've handled the paperwork, the money, the details, the nursery....and I can't figure out this one last thing. I feel like I am "full-up" with preparations and can't think straight to sort this out for myself. Can someone please pack for me?

This and That

We have our itinerary! We are leaving in about two-ish weeks. That, my friends, is very soon. We will be visiting Hong Kong, Shanghai, Beijing, Changsha and Guangzhou. Why so many cities you ask? Well, when Mr. T and I made the decision to adopt from China, we agreed that we needed to spend some time in China. We owed it to our daughter to explore her culture - the sights, sounds and smells. The more we learned about adoption, the more important it was to us to experience China. We truly want to be able to tell her what China was like when she was born. We want to start to understand Chinese culture so we can help Little T appreciate it. So we're heading to China a week-ish ahead of our required adoption trip to do some traveling and to embrace the Chinese culture (and use every last hotel point and airline mile- those years of business travel are finally paying off). I can't wait to tell Little T all about it. On another front, we received Little T's "finding ad" in the mail on Saturday. Whoa. It was an emotional package to open. For those of you unfamiliar with this, the Chinese government requires that an ad be placed in provincial newspapers for all abandoned girls. There is a company (owned by an adoptive father of three girls) who locates these ads for families. Oftentimes the ad is accompanied by a picture which is earlier than the referral pictures that families have. When we opened the package, my first reaction was that I was certain that her birthfamily loved her very much. Her ad contained a little bit more information about her finding situation. It is information that we cherish and are so grateful to have for her when she is older. Little T's picture is grainy, but it is a picture from when she was a newborn. Again, we are grateful to have this for her. I'm having a hard time concentrating these days. I wish I could just stop working now- it's so hard to be productive. But I suppose if I stopped working now that I'd just be unproductive at home. At least someone is paying me at work!

The Date!!

We have a consulate appointment- on November 22nd. I am so relieved. Not to mention giddy, thrilled, excited, terrified and completely unable to sleep. We will be flying home on Thanksgiving. We will be leaving in about 2.5 weeks. Oh.My.God. The not knowing was just horrible. At least I know now how much longer we have to wait, and that I can handle. I have had a very busy weekend out of town and just got home. I wanted to share my good news. I'm off to shower, grocery shop and get in some laundry before my work week begins! I will be back tomorrow with more detail on the exciting packing going-ons at the T household...

Move Over Bacon

Things are not good at the T household. We are resuming the behaviors from our infertility days: -I come home from work, order some delivery that is either fried, cheesy or just plain full o' fat -I don flannel pajamas -Mr. T brings me some sort of foodstuff to make me feel "better" -We watch crap tv, stalk the Internet for any shred of news or read mindless chick-lit because I can't really concentrate anyway So far this week we have eaten Ho Ho's (I love the ho-cakes), chocolate ice cream with hot fudge, and a delicious super-sized lemon bar from the bakery that must have been at least 8,000 calories. Meanwhile my running shoes have a 2-inch layer of dust on them. No news today, again. Except for the agency letting us know that they had no news. So technically there was news, it just happened to be news of no news. I'm going to bed now.

It's Not Unusual

We received word from our agency today that our original request for a consulate appointment (early November) was not approved. The consulate reported that they are full until November 22 or the week of November 28. Our agency coordinator immediately sent back a request for November 22. We now need to wait (again) to see if we are approved for that date. This sucks- I honestly thought we'd be in China next week. I thought that 6-8 weeks after our referral we'd be traveling, not waiting for travel dates. Our agency also indicated that this delay is "very unusual." When I read the email, and in particular those words, I was amazed at how quickly it took me back to my infertility journey. To sitting in my RE's office after our sixth ivf cycle, and hearing "how unusual" the occurrence is of a cornual ectopic. "How unusual" that a woman so young could not get pregnant, or stay pregnant, especially with such good-looking embryos. It is amazing to me how quickly my mind can go back to that darkness. To feeling that for whatever reason, we just could not get to parenthood. That we will never get there. When I read those words today I thought, "HA! It's not unusual for *us* to be experiencing this kind of crap!" I'm tired of being on the wrong side of the odds. I don't want to be the outlier. I just want to be mainstream. And a family.

No News is Swamped News

No travel news to report here. Our agency emailed us today to let us know that the consulate in Guangzhou was closed on October 3,4 and 5 for the Chinese holiday. And then closed again today for the US holiday. Our contact also reported that the adoption unit at the consulate is "swamped." Perhaps we will hear something tomorrow. I have *had* it with this waiting. This last little bit of waiting is wearing on me. I'm tired of waiting. I think of my daughter, and it makes me so sad and impatient. I want to get to her and bring her home. Ok, I'm ready to go to China now! To occupy my mind, perhaps you all could provide me with some musical input. I have an obscene amount of space on my MP3 player and would like to download some new tunes (or new old tunes) before the big trip. I think I listen to the same twenty songs over and over again. I like alllllllll kinds of music. Perhaps you can provide me with some suggestions dear readers? What's on your MP3?

She's the First One to Have His Baby

I have suffered through my share of insensitive comments throughout our infertility and adoption journey. Things like: -The classic "just relax and you'll get pregnant" comment from my eye doctor (who is a *medical* doctor and should know better!) -The unforgettable "oh, it just wasn't meant to be" after suffering a miscarriage -And my personal favorite, "oh you can't have your own" from a relative upon announcing our adoption plans at a family party I have learned to toughen my skin, practiced clever replies in the mirror, and cried into my beer many a night. Over time, I started to expect these comments and steel myself for the sting as soon as I shared a bit of news - good or bad. The happiness and glow of our adoption journey has softened me a bit. Things can still sting, but overall we've worked hard to educate friends and family. And clueless comments can sometimes be handled with an eyeroll, instead of tears. So maybe I have let my guard down, but I was with a very close friend today and a comment she made really threw me for a loop. We were driving home after spending the morning shopping (!) for clothes for Little T. We started to discuss some mindless topics - and T*om C*ruise and K*atie H*olmes came up. We idly chatted about the pregnancy, motives for their relationship, her "new" religious beliefs etc. And then my friend said, "well, she is the first person to have Tom Cruise's baby!" Uh, no, he has two children. With his last wife. It just so happens that his children were adopted. I really don't care about Tom and Katie's children, marriage plans, or involvement in a cult. What hit me like a zap of electricity was that with this one comment my friend's true feelings about adoption were made obvious. She said no more, but she said a lot. Whether she realized it or not, her words were powerful. I didn't react. I let the comment go. It made me so sad. I know that my daughter is my own. Mr. T knows that she is our daughter. It hurts to think that someone who loves us so much could think anything different.

We Now Return to Our Regularly Scheduled Happiness

Thank you everyone for your warm wishes. I thankfully have good news to share - it is arthritis. It is not cancer. We never thought we'd be so thrilled to get news about arthritis, but arthritis we can live with! My mom is embracing life all over again, again. And I am so grateful that she is ok. Now that I can breathe a sigh of relief, the T household has returned to it's state of anxious excitement. We are hoping for travel dates on Monday. Monday, Monday. Monday!

A Pat on the Back and a Kick in the Stomach

When it first became apparent that we were infertile, and might never have biological children, I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me. I struggled to breathe, and it hurt. The harder we tried to "beat" infertility- the harder it was to breathe. Each failed cycle or bad test result was like a knife to my chest. It hurt to breathe. Then came the pregnancy losses and the surgeries. And not only was I struggling to breathe, but it felt like someone was kicking me while I was down. So not only could I not breathe, I suffered a kick in the shins, a punch in my stomach, and then even a right hook to my face. I felt beat up, bloodied, and it took all my energy to get up and just try to keep fighting. But I kept getting back up. Trying to protect myself from more blows and struggling to draw each breathe and get stronger. Last summer, after our seventh, and final ivf cycle, I finally stood up, drew a deep breathe and gathered the courage to proclaim "enough." We started to heal. We started to let go of the dream we had together of "that" family. I took a few deep, painful breaths, and started to look forward. We decided to adopt. I felt like finally the bruises were starting to heal and that just maybe I'd be okay. That we'd be okay. Then, last fall my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. My world was sent spiraling out of control again, and just when it felt like I was breathing again, I got a swift kick in the stomach. I admire my mother. I adore my mother - I love her dearly. She is a fighter, and bravely battled through surgery, chemotherapy and radiation. She lost her hair, and gained a deeper sense of self. She never lost her sense of humor, and maintained her dignity throughout the darkest moments. She finished her treatment this spring and has lived life with renewed vigor and joy since then. We held each other up during that time and tried to breathe together. Today we received our travel approval from the Chinese government. We have progress. It's reassuring, it's exciting - it's one step closer to meeting my daughter. It's like getting a pat in the back during a tough assignment or sporting event. A little cheer to get you through to the finish line. Today I also learned that my mother's cancer may be back, and spread to her bones. A kick in the stomach. It might be nothing, it could be something, but there is something on her spine that needs to be investigated. I suppose this is just life. Just the way it is. But somehow it just seems a little unfair. I'm struggling to breathe again.

Party of Three

First, let me thank my readers for playing and giving me some lurve in the last post. It's great to hear from you and know who some of you are. I encourage the rest of you to step up to the plate and speak up!! I tried to reply to as many of you as possible, but most of you don't leave your email address in your post. So sorry- no email is sent if I have no email address to send to. I received a call a few nights ago about participating in some market research. Since I have many opinions, and market researchers are a captive audience, I of course agreed to participate. This study turned out to be about O*lay products, which I do not use. But I still had opinions. After the interview was complete, the interviewer asked me some basic demographic questions: age, income, number of people living in my household....wait. Number of people living in my household??? I paused, and then said, "three." THREE!!! We have three people living in this house. Well, if you want to get technical and spoil my fun, one still happens to be living in an orphanage in China, but really we are a three-person household. It was *so* fun to answer that question and then go on to say that "yes, we have one child living in the household." Now for that third member to get HERE to our household. No travel news to report. I think that every other agency in the US that received referrals on September 1 has received their TA. I'm serious. Every single agency except our agency. I'm a little frustrated.

U2 Me Too

First off, I need to ask my fine readers a question: Who are you? I recently started to track my blog stats, and I know that you are reading. You are coming, you are reading, and very few of you comment. Why, oh readers of mine? Perhaps I need to ask more questions? Perhaps I need to blog more frequently (sorry- been busy at work)? Gimme some reader love here, and let me know what you're looking for... So in a fit of "one-more-fun-girls-night-out-before-parenthood" I went to the U2 concert last week with a dear friend, C. She is a HUGE U2 fan - this was her fourth U2 concert. Me on the other hand, I'm not much of a concert fan. This was C.'s idea. I did see REM in college, and lots and lots of Phish and Blues Traveler (oh my hippie college phase!), but the big arena concerts have never been too much of my thing. Oh, and a little-known band (Milhaus!) was my obsession during my senior year in college. Oh that lead singer could make sweet love to the microphone.....anyway, this was an opportunity to spend an evening with one of my favorite friends, so of course I embraced it! Vive le U2! And I have to say, the show was really awesome. That Bono is an entertainer. And when they played their old stuff it really brought back some great memories. At one point in the show, the arena lit up. I was thinking, oh, lighters. But then something in my old, tired of waiting for my TA brain stopped me and I looked again. It was cell phones! Um, things have sure changed since my last concert. Ok, all of this blog was really a distraction. Because of course I have no *real* news. No TA. I'm getting a little, ahem, antsy.

Keep Moving....Just Cheese Here

Geesh, I stop reading a certain Y*ahoo group for a few days, and crazy things happen. This blog is not about Ch*ina a*doption. It's about me and my love of cheese. Yes, cheese. I love cheddar, swiss, brie, Muenster, gouda and a pungent bleu on occasion. If you're a new reader coming from one of those Y*ahoo groups, you'll probably want to keep on moving. Nothing but cheese here.

Now on Cloud Seven

First, please let me apologize for my absence. I have been savoring the unbelievable high of being referred my daughter. She's real! She's perfect! She's my daughter! I'm slowly coming back down to earth and have discovered that I still need to do the laundry, clean the bathrooms and go to work...despite the joy of having a !perfect! daughter. I've had some amazing experiences over the past week or so since referral: 1. Sharing her picture with family and friends. We didn't blast an email out to the world. Oh no. We made this about maximum joy for ourselves. We called out-of-town friends and family members, made them log on to their computers while on the phone with us, and then listened to their reactions. For in-town friends and family - we drove to their houses and presented the pictures with great flourish. Ta-da!! In particular it was fun to listen to my mom, Mr. T's mom and my brother and SIL (who have adopted to form their family). Oh the joy. I wanted to roll around in that joy for a few days. 2. I had a third "shower." My dear friends K and K threw us our first shower back in May. It was a lovely brunch with close girlfriends and lots of baby gear. My family threw us a shower in July. This time a lovely luncheon with lots of pink gingham and baby "stuff." This third shower was a different experience altogether. About 4 1/2 years ago, I found an online forum for women trying to conceive. I was a novice about boards and posting - but I was in need of comraderie and advice, so I threw myself in. The rules of this board changed about 6 months after I joined. At this point a kind member established a new forum elsewhere so we could continue to support each other in our journeys to parenthood. Most of the women on this board have gotten pregnant and had one and often two children in the past four years. One woman adopted her daughter domestically. A couple of woman decided to try living without parenting. Gradually the scope of the forum expanded to include exercise and weight loss, cooking, pregnancy, parenting a new baby, parenting older children etc. There have been pregnancy losses, divorce, moves, and new jobs. And we have all shared the ups and downs of these events on this online forum. It is amazing - I really felt like I "know" many of these women. Eventually I let down my guard a little, and I met three of these amazing women in person. I was SO apprehensive...but was so richly rewarded. What amazing women they are (and fortunately no serial killers-HA!). I had made lunch plans with S. (one of my forum real-life friends) a few weeks ago. Life had been busy, so I had cancelled. We had re-scheduled, I had cancelled, etc. Finally this past week she asked me to *please* just meet her for a cup of coffee. We met in Starbucks across the street from my office, and she proceeded to pull out a package for me. It contained cards from all over the country and world! Yes, even a card sent airmail fom Australia. I was so shocked! It was amazing to me to think of these women all picking out a card, and then penning a note for me and my daughter. It was so awesome! These women had shared my ups and well, mostly downs until recently in my journey to parenthood. So this third shower...it was a virtual shower given to me by these women. Once of these women had been shopping, and found a purse that made her think of me. It's the Coach purse at the top of this post - with the ladybug. They coordinateed this "shower," sent me sweet cards and then gave me this really thoughtful gift. They really do "know" me - I mean, I am a purse and shoe kind of girl! It was such a show of love and support - it was amazing. Simply amazing. And if any of my forum "buddies" are reading this now- thank you again from the bottom of my heart!!

Now Appearing...

Little T! I am breathless- she is the most beautiful baby. She's my daughter!! (Edited to add: I removed her pic, I just felt odd about putting her out there for any creep on ye vast Internet to see. If you missed her- please email me.) Mr. T left for the airport yesterday morning (flying out again!), and I happened to have a day off planned. He called me to let me know that the agency had emailed...and the pictures and translated referral was ready. I believe he used the words "GO, GO GO!!!" I flew out of my chair, off to the shower and then into my car. It was the loooooongest drive ever. Sitting in the office waiting for her file was so surreal. C. (the director of the China program at the agency) handed me her file, and left the office to give me a moment alone. Oh.my.god. I sat there and looked at that blue folder. And then...I opened it to stare into the eyes of my perfect, little daughter. We are in love with her! Since Mr. T was away for work, I then hopped back into the car and raced home to get the pics to him. I desperately wanted to see his face when he saw our daughter for the first time. Mr. T is a tech-savvy guy, so he set up his webcam, called me, and then I emailed her pics to him. It was one of my most favorite moments of all time - seeing his reaction. It was just beautiful. I feel so happy. So relieved. So proud. So joyous! After five long years, we have a daughter. And she is perfect.

My Daughter's Story

We're continuing to ride our "high" over here at the T household. Mr. T and I are positively giddy. It feels fabulous. We have decided on a name - it begins with an "A" and we are pretty certain that we will keep her Chinese name for her middle name.* We have one more coat of paint to put on the walls of the nursery, and it will officially be a yellow room! We ordered our car seats (http://www.specialtybaby.com/brmacocarsew1.html) this morning, and shopped for the perfect backpack for the trip this afternoon (http://www.ebags.com/eagle_creek/continental_journey_ womans_fit/ product_detail/index.cfm?modelid=51738).** It's a two-in-one number that will double as my carry-on and diaper bag. Since getting our referral news, we have also been online to learn about the Hunan province and the social welfare institute where our daughter is currently residing. I joined the Ya*hoo group for the SWI and there were pictures on the site of the institute. It seems like a decent place. It is definitely a rural area, so Mr. T and I have been calling her our "country girl." Once we get the translated referral on Tuesday, we will obviously have more information about A. - including where she was found. Mr. T and I agree that this is A.'s story and we are not going to share it with anyone. We want A. to be the first to know. But I am unsure about how far to draw the line about sharing our daughter's story. For example, Mr. T asked if I was going to email the SWI information and pictures to his mother. I hesitated when he asked...is that sharing too much? I want to protect A., but it is a fact that she is in an orphanage. It will not be a secret that she was adopted, it will be another fact about how our family was formed. I just want to make sure that I am protecting her though. I suppose I need to chew on this a little. I'd also love to hear from any of my readers - what did you share of your child's adoption story? *Sorry, I am not comfortable sharing her full name...but trust me, it is just beautiful! **I know the link is broken, but I am such a blogging novice that I don't know how to shorten the link! Or name it something else. I know, I know, I should stop being so lazy and figure it out, but this is the best I can do right now. I have a nursery to prepare.

Tiny Bubbles

More champagne! Have another glass and join in a toast with me to my daughter!!! Mr. T came home today. I failed to mention in my giddy referral post that he was in another state on a business trip. I was dying to see him today! We went out to dinner to celebrate and had a bottle of champagne. In my giddiness I told our waitress why we were celebrating, and she sent the manager over with two glasses of a lovely desert wine. It was just so fun- we're the glowing new parents! The manager and wait staff made us feel like a million bucks. I am so happy - I can barely find the words to really convey how amazing this is after five years. We are a family. I have a daughter. It finally feels a little bit real. I have a daughter. Can you believe it?? I am finally starting to believe it. And it's only going to get better. Cheers!!

The Most Amazing Day

I got to work this morning- and continued to be a BALL of anxiety. I complained vehemently to my office mate about not getting the call- and it was SEPTEMBER 1!! I was sooooo pissy. I went on and on about how the waiting sucked, how I hated having no control over the process, and how I just couldn't imagine having to wait until September. So I was faking concentration at my desk, when at 10:45 am, my cell phone rang. Oh.my.god. The number was a number that could be my agency. I will never forget the next few moments. I jumped about a foot, said "OH MY GOD" and answered. The director of our agency said, "T-shaped Girl? It's Susan." I started to cry. Serious crying- those kind of sobs where you can't catch your breath, and you're all embarrassed- not the elegant crying like in the movies. All I could manage to say was "Oh my god."My office mate and another co-worker ran over with a camera (I had prepared them for this role). My hand was shaking, but somehow I grabbed a pen and paper. Susan asked if she could conference in Mr. T and I managed a "YES!"And then she told us- her beautiful name, and that it was a girl!!! She was born on March 2, 2005- so she will be 6 months old tomorrow. She's so young!! She's in the Hunan province. She was weighed on 6/9, and she weighed 12 lbs then at 3 months (with clothes on- so she is probably SO tiny!). She was 22 inches long at that point. Apparently she has hardly any hair! And she looks "sweet" according to Susan. I get three pictures of her on Tuesday (heaven!). I cannot wait to see her sweet face!!! We're hoping to travel at the end of October, but who knows! I have a daughter!!!! I just never thought this day would come. It has been exactly five years since beginning this crazy journey to parenthood. This girl is so loved already. So after the momentous phone call, Mr. T and I conferenced friends and family and told everyone the great news. Then I pretended to work for the rest of the afternoon. I actually had to sit in meetings for most of the afternoon. THEN, I had to then go to the *dentist* and get TWO cavities filled! HAH! What a day for that. My dentist was excited for me though. So two novacaine shots later, I met up with three dear friends to open a bottle of champagne and toast to Little T! The champagne was dribbling down my numb face (even my eyelid was numb). No one cared- we are on cloud nine. I have a daughter. I have a daughter. I have a daughter!!

A Beta But Not A Beta

So I woke up yesterday morning and this odd, vaguely familiar feeling came over me. No, it was not a hangover and "morning after" breath from my racous Vegas weekend*. It was a feeling that I hardly remembered... This is the week that our referral could come. Maybe. Oh.my.god. So that feeling I felt this morning - it was eerily reminiscent of how I used to feel when we had a beta scheduled. Well, how I felt early in the treatment process. Sort of hopeful mixed with a dash of giddy excitement and expectation. Back when I really believed treatment would work for us (of course it will!) the days before the beta were filled with anxiety, but also with talk of our dream child. We'd nervously hope that if it is a girl, that she had my red hair, but his athletic ability. And if it is a boy, we sure hope that he is a blonde with Mr. T's sense of humor and optimism. These were the days where I could still manage to be hopeful and let my mind run away with my dreams. It has been a loooooong time since I have been filled with any feelings of hope. After trudging along the treatment treadmill for too long, the weeks before a beta were filled with anxiety and despair. I'd pray that it worked. I'd hope that it wasn't in my tube again. I'd beg some higher power to make sure that I didn't have to have surgery again. I'd desperately hope that it wasn't another pregnancy loss. Hope for treatment success was something that I cold barely muster - I began to just brace myself for the letdown and sadness. Mr. T and I stopped sharing our dreams, and I think he began to just work hard to help me get out of bed. So this feeling I have....I have to admit that it is a little scary. We are finally getting to the end of our journey to become parents. I'm.....hopeful. I'm excited. I'm terrified! I cannot wait to meet this kid! I just *know* that she is going to be an amazing kid. I cannot wait until she is part of our family. And it's fun to be a little giddy with Mr. T again. It feels nice to look at him and smile. Or laugh when we imagine ourselves dealing with a screaming baby, that first bath - and wonder how we will figure out this parenting thing. We're sharing our dreams again, and well, it just feels really good. Now bring on that referral! *Our plan to finance Little T's college education via the blackjack tables in Vegas didn't work out. Huh. We thought for sure that gambling her college fund would be the way to go...

Vegas, Baby!

The four days of work this week have been the looooooongest days of my life. I had to catch up since I was out last week with the strep, and out two weeks prior with Mr. T in the hospital. Thankfully we are both healthy now, but it has been the summer of bacteria in the T household. Why must the bacteria put up such a tough fight?? On top of playing catch up at work, I have been obsessed with thinking about our referral. This was the first week that I let myself entertain the idea that we might actually get a phone call. And, as you may have guessed by now, no phone call. So regardless of how *busy* I am at work, I have managed to fill countless hours this week perusing the Y*ahoo groups and other China blogs looking for scraps of information. One person commented that her agency is saying referrals middle of September, someone else got an email from their social worker that said end of next week, someone else said the head of the CCAA has been in a lot of meetings this month (???), another person said that the referrals are sitting on someone's desk - delayed. It's a pile of scrambled eggs. My conclusion? It's all rumors. I can't take the ups and downs of the rumors, yet I'm hopelessly addicted. We'll know when we know, and I doubt a minute sooner. How excruciatingly frustrating is that? Since referrals haven't shown up this week, Mr. T and I decided to run off to Vegas for the weekend. Vegas, baby! For as much as I love to travel, I'm not too much of a Vegas person. I'd rather go to a new destination for a getaway. But for a long weekend, Vegas is always fun. Mr. T and I have a good time playing blackjack, I shop, he drinks gins and tonics, we eat, we relax, we gamble some more. And then there's always the hotel, ahem, "lovin." I can't complain.

Back With the Living

I'm slowly coming out of my strep-induced fog to spend time with the living. I had *no* idea how hard the strep would kick my ass. I went to the doc on Thursday, started antibiotics Thursday night, and thought that surely I'd feel just fine by Saturday. Uh, no. I got up yesterday to get some things accomplished and to go to our Mandarin lesson. I was back in bed after lunch. I felt like complete ass again. Mr. T had dinner with me in bed and we watched a movie. It was actually fun. But based on my feelings of complete assi-ness yesterday, I don't think I'll be doing *too* much today. Who knew strep was so bad??? Clearly not me. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed over here with everything that needs to get done before our trip. Now, I know the trip will not be until October...at the soonest, knock on wood, if everything goes okay....but we have an awful lot of stuff to do. I admit, some of the tasks are "nice to haves" vs. "need to have." But painting the nursery and putting the crib together do seem to be important. New area rugs in the living room and sun room...perhaps not completely necessary, but don't tell Mr. T. I just have this deep desire to have everything in order in our lives before bringing our child home. I want the house to be clean, organized and welcoming. I think it stems from my need to control this situation. I f I can't control it, at least I can clean and organize it. The problem with this desire is that Mr. T is not on the same wavelength as me. His deep desires include dinner out and trips to Vegas. And you can't paint the nursery when you are playing blackjack.

Got Two Lines on the Test!!!

I've been waiting five long years to type that statement. I went to the doctor today and she gave me the test. Lo and behold there were two lines. I'm having....strep throat!! Yes, people- strep throat. No pregnancy here. Are you really that gullible? My doctor gave me a five minute strep test and it came back positive. No wonder my throat hurts so damn much and I feel like ass. I have a fever (100.5 for those of you keeping track) and my throat is "red and spotty." I've been seeing my family doctor for probably about 6-7 years now. She did crack the joke when she checked the test strip that "either I am pregnant or I have strep throat- ha ha." I think it must be her standard joke when she gives the strep test. Something automatic that she says without thinking. It has to be- why else would she make that joke to me? She has followed our journey, referred me to and RE, referred a therapist, helped us with our adoption paperwork etc. I really have had quite a bit of respect for her. Do fertile people just not know how much comments like that can sting? I tried to let it just roll off, but honestly, it did sting a little. Am I being too sensitive? (Note to commenters: please only answer that question with a "no.") Ok, I'm back to bed to moan in throat-hurting agony. And wait for Mr. T to come home so he can wait on me.

Sick and Tired (I think)

I was all set to post a fabulous post about my feelings about my upcoming adoption, the changes I've experienced over the past year, and really just glow about my future daughter. I was all set...but I'm sick. I think. I'm the type of person who questions herself when she is sick. I say to myself, "self, are you really sick? Are you sick enough to stay home? Are you sick enough to call the doctor? Or do you just need to suck it up and get some sleep?" I drag myself to the office, infecting commuters and co-workers in my path, until I am clearly SO sick that I need to go home and get into bed. I don't know what it is- some sort of guilt surrounding being sick. So I felt a little tired yesterday, and just kind of "off." And then this morning I woke up with a sore throat. And I felt like crap- your standard, run-of-the-mill malaise. My throat started to hurt more and more throughout the day. And I got grumpier, and grumpier as the day progressed. Now my throat hurts like hell. Friggin' ouch. In my weakened state, please allow me to share some things that pissed off my grumpy self today: 1. Fellow commuters who STARE at you and keep staring even when you make eye contact. Geesh, didn't your mother ever tell you that it's not polite to stare? 2. People who walk r e a l l y r e a l l y slow and take up the entire sidewalk with their fellow slow-walkin' friends and family members. Speed it up people, or stay to the right. 3. Co-workers who cannot just "let it go." And by "it" I mean some pointless work issue that really doesn't matter anyway. 4. People on adoption Yah*oo groups that post 800 times a day about referral rumors. They're rumors people. Call me when you have some real news and stop getting my panties in a bunch. I think that's enough ranting. I'm going to bed now to obsess about whether or not I'm *really* sick.

China On My Mind

I just finished a fabulous book: River Town: Two Years on the Yangtze by Peter Hessler. This book captivated me. I dreamed about it, couldn't put it down, and thought about it quite a bit. It is the story of a Peace Corps volunteer who taught literature at a teacher's college in a remote city in the Sichuan province. He was there in 1996, so it was interesting to get a picture of what modern China is/was like. I am fascinated by the culture - the drinking strategies at banquets, the place of women in society, Chinese attitudes towards Americans, etc. I also learned some more Chinese history as told through his experiences. Really - a "must read" if you are adopting from China, or are just interested in a good book! I have been focusing on reading the book to distract myself from all other thoughts of said referrals and trips to China. I am a mess here. I cannot concentrate worth a damn. All I can think about is whether or not the referral will come this month. And who she will be. And what she will look like. And the painting, organizing and packing to do. It is agonizing. I.Cannot.Think.About.Anything.Else. Yet at the same time I can barely think about it all for more than thirty seconds because I barely believe that it's going to happen. I mean, why is this month different than any other month for the FIVE friggin' years that we have been trying to start our family. Why is this going to work out? Having sex to make a baby didn't work out, 4 IUIS and 7 ivfs didn't work out, and my three pregnancies most definitely did not work out. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Any day now... My friends and family do not understand my pessimism, or my attitude of disbelief. To them, we're just waiting for the "big call," and then we'll be whisked off to !China! to get our !baby! I suppose I am just trying to protect myself from more loss, but then I also feel guilty that I'm not the glowing, happy, giddy expectant mom that some expect me to be. I think that a year ago when we made this decision to adopt that I thought I'd feel better by now. And I do, oh believe me, I am in a MUCH better place than one year ago. I am hopeful and excited to meet this amazing kid. But I'm constantly surprised at how much of the pain and self-doubt of infertility has stayed with me. I keep thinking that I should be more "over this" by now; after all, I might know who my daughter is this month. I can't help but wonder - will becoming a parent heal the wounds leftover from my infertility and losses? I don't know how I will feel once I am a parent, but in the meantime I am trying to fill my mind with thoughts of China.

Infertile Reaction

Mr. T and I had lunch with his mother today. The discussion moved towards his sisters and babies. He has two sisters. Older Sis has a baby who is a year old. Younger Sis just moved out of the city with her husband into a lovely house in the suburbs. We suspect that babies are in their future. MIL proceeds to tell us that she was visiting Younger Sis in her new house, and told her that Older Sis "just went off the pill" and wants to have a second baby. Younger Sis's response was something to the effect of "oh no, I want to be the next one having a baby!" So both sisters are trying to conceive. I'm hearing this at lunch, and the words tumble out of my mouth before I think about what I am saying. Tshapedgirl: "Aw geesh, I don't want to know this." MIL: "Well why not? You're getting a baby too." Tshapedgirl: "Well, I just think that trying to have children is personal." MIL: "Oh, that's silly!" Tshapedgirl: "Well, that's just how I feel about it. I'm entitled to my opinion." MIL: "Well, I'm entitled to tell you that I think that's silly!" (this was all said with smiles and laughter to keep the tone light!!) Ugh. I put my head down and ate a chip. I was kicking myself in my own head. It was a kneejerk reaction though - I couldn't help it. In my head I was thinking, "ahhhh, don't tell people that you are ttc!! What if it goes wrong?? Or if you can't conceive??" All of *my* own feelings from when we were ttc bubbled up and it all came out in that one "silly" comment that I made. I think that some old wounds also re-surfaced as I am still harboring a tiny, tiny bit of anger towards MIL for some things that happened while we were in treatment (i.e. breaking our trust and telling the world that we were doing ivf and the precise dates of the pregnancy test). I want to get past all of this and keep thinking that parenthood will help heal these wounds. Perhaps I am naive. It amazes me how quickly the old feelings can come to the surface and make me feel like crap. In retrospect I should have kept my mouth shut. Both sisters are talking about family-building so it is their decision to open themselves up to the scrutiny of MIL and others. I am sure that they will have no problems ttc as there is no such thing as an infertile SIL anyway (only the infertiles among us will understand that comment). Personally, I wouldn't want my MIL or anybody else in the bedroom with us. Or in our case, on the living room couch looking at adoption agency brochures.

Da Ped Da Ped!

A few weeks ago I scheduled an appointment to interview a pediatrician. I scheduled the appointment with Dr. Bigshot. International adoption is now a pediatric specialty, and I scheduled this appointment with the best in the biz. The numero uno top gun of international adoption pediatrics. We had heard him speak at our agency (another one of those required classes...) and read articles written by him in adoption journals. Of course we needed the best for our little one. The interview day came and yes, I was excited to freakin' interview a ped. It's a milestone people- work with me here. So we sat down with Dr. Bigshot, father of four Chinese SN children and all-knowing adoption being....and well, he pissed me off. First off, he was condescending. Yes, I am a first-time mother. And I will look to you for advice. And perhaps call with "silly" questions. But do you need to pat me on the knee and tell me how high maintenance I will be? I tried to get past that. After all- this was Dr. Bigshot! He went on to discuss getting a dog, buying a stroller and pandas in China. Meanwhile I'm thinking, what are your office hours? Do you have drop-in times for sick kids? Will you evaluate my referral? I finally realized that Dr. Bigshot likes to hear himself talk. We started to wrap things up because "he had sick kid to take care of next door," and I asked about reviewing the referral and calling him for China. He said "ABSOLUTELY!" to both requests. I asked how soon we should bring our daughter in after we got home...and...he.... brushed us off!! The indignity! It was like being dumped when you are going to dump your boyfriend anyway. He did provide us with a referral to a pediatrician MUCH closer to our home that also specializes in international adoption (and he is *really* quite a drive for us). So we went ahead and met Dr. Put-us-at-ease tonight, and she is just fabulous. She immediately "put us at ease" and was so warm. She is also the mother of two children through international adoption! Her kids are not from China, but she really "gets it." She made comments throughout the visit that were so empathetic. Both Mr. T and I got a really good "vibe" from her and ladies and gentleman, I think we have a ped! I think we will still have Dr. Bigshot review the referral, and also Dr. P. Dr. B is just so well connected and used to dealing the CCAA - he's a good weapon to have in our back-pocket. It really is an exciting thing. This is another milestone, silly as it may seem to others, but something to celebrate for a change. Woo-hoo- we have a ped!

Cousins

The first time we met members of our adoption travel group was just after we were DTC. We had attended an educational session - something or other that was a required class for our DCFS licensing. After the class we stayed back and met A & G and L & M. We were all kind of nervous excited- kind of felt like we were going on a first date. Anyway, G made a comment as we were leaving that has stayed with me. He said, "wow, so exciting to meet you. And just think, our daughters are going to be like...COUSINS!" He had a huge smile on his face, and it was just so sincere. The second time we all met was formally arranged by the agency. We met the group for an overview of the process and then went out to dinner. I remember being so amazed- everyone in the group was so different, yet we had this common bond that immediately tied us together. All of the families are very different- some have kids already, some have Chinese kids already and have been through this process, and some are first-time parents like ourselves. We have a single mom, teachers, a TV personality, a real estate executive, and a body shop owner. We have older families, and younger families. I was able to talk to everyone in the group that night, and everyone was open and friendly. And most importantly - committed to forming a strong bond and cohesive group. Really - being a close-knit group was a topic of discussion! The third time we got together was a leisurely Sunday afternoon dinner. More talking, getting to know everyone - but it all seemed so far away at that point. Very surreal. Last Sunday we all got together for dinner in Chinatown. We met at the restaurant at 5pm and didn't go home until after 9pm. It was amazing - no one wanted to leave! We walked to a nearby park after dinner so the kids could play, and everyone just spent more time chatting and talking about everything we needed to do before referrals come in. Being with these people makes this all seem real....these people want to talk about becoming parents, baby names, packing lists, Chinese language ad nauseum. It was such a boost to my morale. I even started to believe that this might work out. I just might have a daughter. In the beginning, when adoption was something that we were "trying on for size," I remember thinking that it was important to select an agency that would get things done quickly and efficiently. Oh, and some sort of community might be nice too. Wow- we got lucky. Not only do we have support, but I am comforted by the idea that my daughter will be able to know her "cousins" as she is growing up.

Hear the Angels Singing

The Maclaren Techno Classic XT in Chili has arrived....(cue the singing angels). I don't know what it is about this stroller- but dh (we'll call him Mr.T from here on out) and I are just in love with it. The box showed up on Saturday, and we both immediately grabbed at the packaging to get it open. I made Mr. T take a pic of me opening the box, and then posing with the stroller. We were giddy! Mr. T then proceeded to demonstrate how to open and close the stroller - one-handed - several times. And then he folded it up and we left the stroller sitting in the middle of the living room so we could gaze upon its magnificence all night. When I got home from work tonight I noticed that the stroller was assembled again. Apparently Mr. T was practicing again today. He can't keep his hands off the marvel of stain-proof fabric and some sort of strong steel-like material. We are just so excited over this silly stroller- it represents something to us. I don't know....a realization of our dream. Perhaps the activities we cannot wait to do with our child...we talk all the time about walking to the park, to the pool, to Farmers Market. This stroller will get us there!! Now we just need to get this kiddo home to fill it. Gotta go gaze at my stroller some more...

Do You Have Children?

I attended a friend's wedding last night. My friend, the bride, is a former co-worker at two of my past jobs. I was seated at a table with another friend and former co-worker, and then three couples who work with the groom who I did not know. My dh did not attend....but that's a story for another post, some other time. The conversation at the table inevitably came around to the question: "Do you have children?" I enthusiastically responded, "Not yet, but I am expecting through adoption from China." And then I braced myself for the reactions as you never really know how people are going to respond. Generally people congratulate us, but then there are the folks who feel the need to fill you in on everybody they have ever known (EVER) who has adopted. Domestically, internationally- no matter if there is a relevant connection or not - people feel compelled to tell me that they know someone who has adopted. I also received a few comments later in the evening that threw me for a loop: Drunk trophy wife of groom's boss: "Our friends adopted from China. It was so great- their daughter is so cute. But all of those girls are cute anyway." Me: "Oh ALL babies are cute now, aren't they?" Tipsy blonde co-worker of groom: "My neighbor just adopted a girl!" Me: "Oh that's great! When did they get home from China?" (assuming relevance to my situation) Tipsy bimbo: "Oh, I don't know from where- from here I guess. The baby is so beautiful. She's half-black, half-white. Or maybe she's black and Hispanic. Oh I don't know. But she's just adorable anyway." Drunk bridesmaid: "My husband's sister's cousin adopted a baby. He had, like, these horrible things wrong with him. He was in the hospital for a while. But they were able to fix everything- so he's all fixed now." Me: "Uh-huh...." Drunk bridesmaid: "It's so great that there are people who are willing to take these babies. I mean, it's sad to think what would happen if no one took them. It's really great that people like you do this!" Me: "Oh- it's purely selfish! Just trying to start my family!" (note: said in a v. breezy tone) All of these interactions leave me feeling sad. I walk away from these conversations wanting perspective and wondering if I had a chip on my shoulder, or if these people are truly, well, stupid. It leaves me feeling that many folks, especially those with bio-kids and no experience with infertility or adoption, without a doubt consider adoption to be second-best. Charity cases to be rescued. A noble deed. My comfort is that I know that this is not true. I am on the ride of a lifetime - I get to travel to China, meet an amazing kid and have the honor of being her parent. But is it my job to educate these people?? I thought perhaps no, but now I wonder what will happen when my daughter is here...

The beginning...

Hello Internet. This post is long overdue. For months now, I've been selfishly reading the blogs of women (and some men) who are struggling through infertility, wading through adoption paperwork, and discovering the ups and downs of parenthood when they finally make to the other side. Reading their experiences has been so helpful to me. But I think that it's time for me to enter blogland....and hopefully it will help me get through the rest of this waiting. We're adopting from China. Our paperwork was sent in February, so we are *hoping* like crazy to be up next. We're at the end of a five-year quest to start our family (FIVE years- wtf!) and I can't wait to get to the "other side" and become parents. The time can't go fast enough, yet I panic when I think about it finally happening as we have so much to do. Nursery prep, packing, closet re-organization, shopping - it all makes me crazy to think about. Some days I think that I'm going to finally be a parent and I can't wait to meet my child. Some days I can't imagine this ever happening, and I feel like I am playing the role of an expectant parent. Wake me up when we get there....